resolutions | Inner Life Adventures

1Jan2016

Living Bigger than Your Goals, Bigger than Yourself – Your Mission

January 1, 2016

change, community, goals, growth, mindfulness, new year, personal growth, plans, priorities, relationship, resolutions, values

A reflection on Relationship, Connection, Trust

Around the new year, I reflect on the past year and reevaluate my direction for the new year. This year, I’m clear that I’ve made a lot of progress on my goals, and yet they are big enough that I’m still working toward them. Sometimes it takes years or even a lifetime of revisiting and refining the same things to accomplish the things that are really important to us. That’s what it is like to live your mission. What is your mission?

My mission is connection. Connection to myself, to others, to my community, and to the world as a whole. And partly because we teach what we need to learn for ourselves and because I want to share the gifts and lessons I’ve

Taking Steps, Exposed, Vulnerable

received in my life, much of the way I work with individuals, couples, and groups invites people into deeper connection with themselves, each other, and the world as well. Your mission may be different, yet I’d bet there is something in what I’m learning about living my mission that will help you with your mission as well. (Or if nothing else, you might find some ideas that help with your relationships.)

In recent years, I’ve learned that the two biggest things that hold me back are fear and lack of trust (which are closely related by the way). So when I stumbled on a video of Brene Brown outlining what it really takes to trust, I ate it up. It shined a spotlight on where I’ve been falling short in my mission and inspired me to take more responsibility for trusting and connecting – both to myself and others. Wait, so what is trust?

Charles Feltman defines trust as this: “Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” And his definition of distrust follows with, “what I have chosen to share with you that is important to me is not safe with you.” Wow. That is clear. So , how we you trust, really?

To learn how to trust, Brene Brown dug into her own research and research by as well-known relationship expert John Gottman. Gottman says: trust is built in small moments over time. Stopping what you are doing to attend to someone in need or pick up the phone to check in when you are thinking about someone and asking about specific things you know are important to them builds trust and connection. Failure to choose connection and support when the opportunity is there is a betrayal of trust and relationship.

Another surprising finding is that asking people for help when needed helps prove trustworthiness. It shows we won’t take on more than we can handle and we will ask for help when we do. When we don’t do this, people won’t come to us because they don’t believe we can handle what they want to ask or share. This one was huge for me and speaks so much about honoring ourselves and our limits and boundaries.

Diving deeper into trust, we see when we trust, we are BRAVING connection. With ourselves and with others. Brene Brown came up with the acronym BRAVING to describe in more detail the components of trust.

B – Boundaries – When I know your boundaries, and you hold them, and you know my boundaries and respect them, there can be trust. Without clear boundaries and respect of boundaries, there is distrust. Boundaries create safety; safety creates trust. Its why we build fences and walls. So much more can be said about this, I’ll save it for a future post.

R – Reliability – There can only be trust if you do what you say you are going to do and I do what I say I’m going to do consistently over time, not just once. How many times do we not do what we say we will do. “It was really great seeing you. Let’s get together again soon for lunch.” And it never happens? I know it’s just a saying and everyone says it, but trust is broken. Let’s just share the awkwardness of knowing it may be a while before we meet again. Being reliable creates trust.

A – Accountability – You are allowed to make mistakes. I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it and make amends and you can only trust me if I am allowed to make a mistake, be honest about it, and make amends. Being accountable creates trust.

V – Vault – What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence. When we gossip about someone sharing something that is not ours to share, we think we are connecting over juicy information, but we are proving ourselves untrustworthy. Keeping confidence creates trust.

I – Integrity – I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same. What is integrity? Doing what is right, even when nobody else is looking. Brene’s definition is far more challenging and eloquent. “Choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. Practicing your values, not just professing your values.” Let’s meet each other in integrity. Being in integrity creates trust.

N – Non-Judgement – I can fall apart, ask for help, struggle, suffer, and make mistakes without being judged by you and you will find the same with me. Without this, we can’t be safe to ask for help and we can’t truly reciprocate it. When we assign a value to reaching out or needing help by thinking less of the other person or judging them in any way for what they are doing or feeling it destroys trust. Or even more importantly when we think less of ourselves for reaching out or needing help, we are consciously or unconsciously thinking less of the other person for their needing help. You can’t have true trust if you are judging the other person, or ourselves in big or small ways. Acceptance creates trust.

G – Generosity. Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about me and my intentions and then check in about it if it doesn’t feel right. I will do the same for you to help us both stay in integrity. There is a lack of trust when we assume poor intentions and don’t check it out with the other person. Assuming positive intentions and having unconditional positive regard creates trust.

Building trust, strengthening the weak spots, and sharing about breakdowns in trust facilitates connection. Trust makes connection easy.

And these same principles apply to trusting and connecting with ourselves as well as trusting and connecting with someone else. Looking at ourselves: How well do we know our own boundaries and honor them? How often do we do what we tell ourselves we are going to do? How good are we at admitting and forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings? How good are we at choosing who to share with and how much is in our best interest to share? Are we in integrity with ourselves and our value? Can we refrain from judging and being critical of our thoughts and actions? Do we assume that we are doing our best and had positive intentions? By these measures, do we really trust ourselves? Can we achieve our mission if we don’t trust ourselves?

When we become aware we are not trusting or in connection with ourselves, reflecting on these definitions can give us benchmarks. This map shows us where our obstacles are to deeper relationship, trust, and connection are happening so we can name it, repair it, and ask for what we need from ourselves and from others.

To tie this all together: Do you know your mission? Are you living it? In every small moment? Can you achieve your mission alone or is it so big do you need the help and support of others? You probably need strong relationship with yourself and others to achieve your mission. Do you have strong relationship and connection with yourself and others? Do you trust yourself to achieve your mission? Do you trust others to help? If not, where are your obstacles?

Thanks for joining me on this small part of my mission. Will you join me for more?

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

1Jan2013

Breaking Trail

January 1, 2013

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change, growth, mindfulness, outdoors, resolutions

A few weeks ago, I discovered yet another new favorite outdoor activity that shapes my mind and body while keeping me healthy – trail running in the snow. It may sound silly to some of you who have been doing this for years, but for me just trying this new activity took overcoming lots of negative self talk. “It’s too cold.” “You can’t see the trail.” “You’ll trip and fall on a rock you can’t see.” “It’s too slippery – you will sprain your ankle again.” “Your shoes are too old and don’t have the right traction.” “You’ll slip off the trail and plummet down the side of the mountain.” Enough already! While there is truth to many of those statements, after a few days of letting my mind and my fears keep me caged up inside, I told myself, “just try it one step at a time.” If it gets too tough, you can always stop and walk or go back home.

So I set out. Slowly and timidly at first. Climbing up the first big hill, I had more traction than I expected, but my legs and lungs were protesting and I wanted to go sit back on the couch. I kept going, but allowing myself to walk a little on the steepest parts.

Eventually I get to a choice point. I can keep heading up the steep service road or I can take a trail off to the left or another off to the right. I originally thought I would go on the trail to the left, because it is one I have been on less, is a little less steep, and has great views. But nobody has been on it since it snowed and I didn’t think I could find the trail and some of the same excuses as above came rushing back into my mind. The trail to the right I’ve been on dozens of times, and it had some footprints so I assume someone else has been there, I’ll be able to find the trail, and it will be slightly packed down for me. I chose the trail to the right because it seemed safer and I told myself I’d just go a little ways and turn around before the steep parts.

Stepping off the service road, the snow is deeper and more slippery now, but still doable. I’m having fun with the twists and turns and my footing is sure enough. I’m not on the trail more than an eighth of a mile or so when I come upon an older couple who are hiking with trekking poles. We exchange a few words about the beauty of the snowy hills and I pass them, quickly realizing they were the ones breaking trail for me. I make a joke about it, thank them, then quickly realize I’m right back where I started on the unbroken trail that I avoided the first time.

Now my ego kicks in – well, don’t turn around now, you’ll look like a fool and a wuss to that couple. But my mind is also replaying all of my original fears for the third time. So my ego and my fears are wrestling while my higher, calmer, more centered self says, just keep going, one step at a time. You can turn around if you need to later. And I plod on.

I can’t really tell where the trail is, but I keep going choose the best possible places to put my feet. Sometimes I step and sink deeply, sometimes my steps are shallow, sometimes my foot slides out from underneath me activating all the other parts of my body to move quickly and compensate to recover my balance and keep from face planting in the snow. Slightly scary, but fun!

Before I know it, I’ve gone much farther than I planned and I’m at the first steep technical hill. I continue with my mantra, just try it, one step at a time. And my feet find enough traction. They find roots and rocks hidden under the snow providing me with enough support to keep heading up. Those same obstacles I was afraid would trip me up end up helping me. I make it up the hill, lungs screaming, adrenaline pumping, and a smile on my face.

I continue on running the entire trail. Never knowing exactly where the trail is or if I’m on it, but just choosing the best possible next step. Lifting my feet up high and splashing them back down in the fluffy powder. Enjoying the simultaneous excitement and fear of breaking trail, negotiating the unknown with every step.

Eventually I get to the intersection with another trail where I turn to start heading back down the mountain. The same fears come up yet a fourth time – now I’m heading down and surely gravity will cause me to go too fast and slip and fall. But I’m practiced now with appeasing these thoughts. Actually what I find is the deep fluffy powder makes a nice cushion and catches my foot and I am going just about as fast as I do on a dry day. And of course, some sections that are too steep I do have to slow down and walk carefully. But the snow adds greatly to the beauty in addition to the challenge.

I notice how many animal tracks there are around. I laugh as my tracks seem so big and clumsy compared to theirs. Sometimes they share the human created trail with me, sometimes they take a much more efficient and graceful route down the mountain that we can’t. But I smile noticing how our tracks keep weaving in and out of each others feeling like I’m playing with them in some sort of chase outside of time.

When I finally make it down the mountain and rejoin the trails in the valley, I notice the low trails are well traveled. The snow is packed down like a concrete sidewalk. There are bike tracks, ski tracks, boot tracks, and dog tracks all scrambled together. At first I felt relieved that I wouldn’t need to worry so much about breaking trail and constantly not knowing how my next step will land, but actually I noticed it wasn’t as enjoyable. The packed snow is more jarring on my body. The run becomes more monotonous. There are no decisions to make. Everyone has been here. There is less risk, but much less reward.

I challenge myself to look deeper. Not having to focus so much on every step, I have more time to look up and enjoy my surroundings. The beauty of it all. The luxury of having my path laid out before me. The comfort I feel with knowing where the trail goes. The lower well traveled trails have their benefits too.

As I finish out the run and make my way back home, I reflect on how scared I was to even get off the couch. How scared I was not knowing what each step would be like. How my mind wanted to keep me afraid with the same tired arguments even as my comfort grew with experience. But even though I was scared to the point of not even trying at first, once I got the experience of breaking trail, the routine safer route was less satisfying. However bringing more mindful attention to even the routine well traveled sections showed me the infinite gifts that lay there too.

I’ve been back and run the same route a few times since this first journey and it certainly continues to teach me. How each section is different than the time before depending on my mental state. How it is easier to lose attention now that the trail has been broken. I may not have to decide on every step, but I also slipped even more when I let my attention wander. The choices may not be as obvious, but I still have choices to make every step of the way. And finally one of the most remarkable things I noticed was that every person who was on that trail after me followed in my footsteps exactly. Even when looking back there were different routes to take that might have been better.

So what does it all mean? I’ll leave that for you to discover. But like me, you do have to overcome the initial fears to get off the couch and have your own experience to learn from. My simple wish for you is that you find your own trail to break, your own ways of overcoming that voice in your head that tries to hold you back, and your own way of bringing mindful attention to the routine. May you harvest the gifts that lay in all of your journey, every step of the way.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected]. Want to meet? Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

29Dec2012

Planning Your Route

December 29, 2012

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change, exercise, goals, growth, mindfulness, new year, plans, priorities, resolutions, values

Setting Positive Intentions to Transition Into 2013

Over the past couple weeks, I have thankfully had more time on my hands. I have been using this time to stay home, be with family, reflect on the intentions I set for 2012, and acknowledge everything that happened and what I’m still working towards. One thing I know for sure is that if we don’t take the time to reflect and set our road map for next year, we have no guidance and no way of knowing if we are on track with what we want with our lives. So I wanted to take a few moments to share a little bit of the process I use with you to use to develop your own map.

First, these ain’t no “I want to lose 10 pounds” kind of resolutions. We don’t want to put all our attention into what we don’t want and focus on the negative. Instead, we are going to focus on more of what we do want. When we fill our lives with the things we do want, there is less room for the negative things we don’t want. To do that, it helps to start with taking stock of what we do have. It helps to start with reviewing your intentions from last year, but if you didn’t set any, you can review the year month by month with the key events and look for the blessing and the good things that came out of them.

Once you have reviewed your progress and acknowledged your gifts for the year, you are ready to clean your mental state to prepare for next year. Find some time where you can be alone and uninterrupted. Take out a blank sheet of unlined paper or you use the template I created for you and grab a pen or some colored markers or pencils. You will do this in two stages, first looking at the internal then the external. You will ask yourself some questions, then sit quietly, then jot down some intentions.

First, ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be?” “What do I want to give to the world?” “What qualities do I want to grow and develop?” “What qualities do I want to have more of next year?”
Now close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
In the center of your page or in the center circle if you are using the worksheet, write some words that represents these qualities of you that you want to grow and develop next year. Some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
Next, you will look at more external things you want to call in and have more of in your life. Ask yourself, “What do I want more of in my life next year? “What will make life more enjoyable?” “What do I want to spend my time doing?” “Who do I want to spend my time with?” “What will make life more meaningful and fulfilling?”
Again, close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
Now, surrounding the center circle containing the things you put on your page earlier, write some words that represent what you want to have more of next year. Again, some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
The last step is to connect the dots. We can make movement toward our goals easiest when we take small steps. Too big, and our fear gets the best of us and we don’t move at all. So connect the dots with 1-2 small actions you can (and will) take to move toward the things you want more of in your life. If you are not taking the step, it is too big. Make it smaller until you have something you actually can and will do.
When you have it all complete, step back from your page and look at it from a distance. Does this represent what you want for next year? What will it be like when you have it? Is there anything missing? If so, feel free to go back and add a couple things, but don’t get to carried away. Keep it simple.

This process can take days or it can take 30 minutes. For me, it is usually a combination of both. I start asking myself the questions days in advance and then sit and do the exercise above at one time. The more time and space you can give yourself to do this the better, but as always, find what works for you.

Once you are done, either put this paper in a place where you can see it daily like your bathroom mirror or refrigerator or you can put it in a special place where you will make a point to revisit it 2-4 times next year. At the very least, now you will have some direction to check back in with next year to see if you are on track with what you want in your life, or you are getting distracted and lost. When you check back in throughout the year, you can simply ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing getting me closer to these guideposts or farther away?” Redirect and adjust as necessary Chances are, just by taking the time to do this, it will be like setting your compass bearing and you will end up closer to your target than if you never defined your waypoints to start with.

This process helps you define your map so you know which direction you are heading, but remember, most worthwhile journeys have obstacles, detours, and changes of plans. Most significant changes take time, so it is important to keep your steps small enough to take and acknowledge the progress you are making.

If you use this process, I’d love to hear how it goes for you. Feel free to send me an email with any thoughts, comments, or feedback. Best wishes for an exciting and abundant new year! I hope it is the best year ever!

~chuck