Emotions and Feelings 101 (and maybe 102)

March 22, 2023
anger, anxiety, depression, feelings, relationship, self awareness, shame, trauma

Emotions, feelings, moods, all the same thing.  Right?  Not at all.  And understanding our feelings is so foundational to understanding ourselves and being able to heal in therapy I thought it would be helpful to put together this quick guide to share with clients to help you gain more understanding of your own human system.  There’s much more detail to all of this, but hopefully, this guide will help get the gist of what is happening inside you.

 

Our brains have evolved over thousands of years.  Some parts of our brains we share with reptiles, some with other mammals, and some are unique to humans alone.  Generally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are the most basic and most similar to reptiles.  As you move upward, your brain gets more sophisticated.  The lower parts of our brains are designed to keep us alive.  The upper parts help us connect with others, communicate, understand, and make meaning of life.  These are the parts that make us different from other animals.  But we also need to understand how the lower parts of our brain affect us too!

From: http://erikmessamore.com/what-is-emotion-regulation-and-how-do-we-do-it/

 

Emotionally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are responsible for instinctual survival functions in the face of a threat.  These are all actions that usually happen without our consciousness involved because the impulsive instinctual brain is faster than our cognitive brain.

 

Fight – get stronger and attack the threat

Flight – get away from the threat

Freeze – don’t move, play dead, so hopefully, the threat will go away

Fawn – act pleasing, innocent, harmless, and endearing so the threat doesn’t see you as a threat to avoid the conflict


Where our lower brains are not so smart is that in modern-day, the threat isn’t usually a tiger or assailant but could be a look from someone, a social media post, a raised voice from a friend or family member, an insult, or any number of things that raise our hackles in big or small ways.  Our brains sometimes respond in one of the above survival ways when our survival isn’t being threatened at all, especially if we have had past exposure to traumatic events.  

 

These four survival emotions get a little more sophisticated as we move to the mid-brain and with a little more awareness, they get shaped into the basic emotions that all humans in all cultures experience.  These emotions exist to help us relate to other people.  Different researchers have categorized them differently, but I like to use the five basic emotions that mostly rhyme to help people remember them.  MAD, SAD, AFRAD (afraid), GLAD, SHAME/GUILT.  Shame and guilt feel similar, but are two different things. Shame means I’m bad (unhealthy), guilt means I did something bad (healthy) to help us have remorse and repair.  

 

Notice most of these are what most people call “negative” feelings and only one is “positive.”  I think we evolved like this for a reason, to help us avoid doing things that cause us or people we care about harm.  But unfortunately, it leads to a negativity bias in our brains and a positivity bias in our external relationships trying to balance out the scales.  In reality, we need all of these feelings so there is no such thing as a positive or negative feeling.  They are all helpful information to help us understand our inner and external worlds.

 

If you can get a solid grasp of being able to feel and identify when you are feeling the 5 basic emotions, you have most of what you need to be an emotionally intelligent human being.  Being able to communicate emotions with others helps us to relate and connect with others, to understand and be understood, and to be able to give and receive support.  I consider this to be a foundational human skill.  As our relationships get more complex and we get better at communicating, we have need for more precise emotional words, so psychologists have invented various versions of the emotion wheel to show how these basic emotions get more nuanced.  

 

Some of these feelings can overlap, and we can feel multiple emotions at the same time.  So don’t misunderstand the wheel to be the ultimate truth.  See if you can find your own language for your own expression of your emotions.

Emotion Wheel

From: https://practicalpie.com/the-emotion-wheel/

 

As you can see, our feelings can go from quite simplistic and primal survival to emotions of relating to quite complex and nuanced.  That’s why it’s important to distinguish between emotions and feelings.  Emotions can sometimes feel big and overwhelming.  Almost as if the emotions have us more than we have them.  Feeling overwhelmed by emotion often comes from little awareness and understanding of emotions and triggers for them.  As we gain more awareness and skill, we can be a person having our emotions rather than our emotions having us.  This increase in awareness and distance from the raw intensity of emotion combined with thoughts turns them into feelings.  Feelings are very important information.  They help us make decisions about what is right for us and what we need to stay away from and can lead us to conscious action and/or communication.  

 

When we are consumed with emotion, we often don’t have access to critical thinking or discernment that is available when we are feeling.  Sometimes we even act out of an emotion, such as yelling at someone (anger/fight) or distancing ourselves or avoiding something (fear/flight) or going numb (fear/freeze).  This usually happens with little consciousness or choice.  So we are acting out an emotion (doing) rather than feeling and communicating about a feeling which is usually more helpful.

 

The more consciousness we bring to ourselves, the more choice we have to understand and act appropriately.  And we can often increase the time between the stimulus that causes the emotion and the response (impulsively or consciously) to act in a more appropriate way.  Without awareness, we respond impulsively or emotionally, which might cause more harm than good.  

 

Here’s a chart I made to visualize the process I’m talking about.  

As you can see, doing, feeling, and thinking follows the evolution of the brain.  Reptiles do without awareness or feeling.  Mammals have the ability to feel and relate to others but may not have words and thoughts like humans. Humans have all of the above with the addition of complex language and cognitive abilities.  One function isn’t necessarily better than another; we need them all.  Thinking can help us make sense of and respond more effectively to our emotions and feelings.  But when used to excess without connection to feeling or emotion or action, thinking can also disconnect us from ourselves, our life, and others.  So thinking, too has to be used and responded to appropriately, just like emotions. We need doing, feeling, thinking, and being all accessible to us at the right time and place.  

 

Further, overthinking and rumination often lead to a stuckness of emotion or feeling, which leads to moods.  Moods are more generalized, pervasive emotional states that can last days, weeks, months, or even years.   Emotions come and go, just like the weather.  When we try not to feel them by suppressing or repressing them, they can get stuck and lead to moods.   Unpacking moods, like being depressed, can take time to really understand all the inputs from both present and past experiences as well as the unnamed unexplored feelings that comprise the mood. 

 

As I said, this is a quick overview of our emotional systems.  There is some more information in the links above.  There’s a bit more to it, and some of this is a broad generalization to help distinguish what is happening. Understanding these basics help tremendously to help you understand yourself and others.  People often think that our thoughts control our feelings; and they do to some extent. But our survival instincts and the basic raw emotions that evolved out of them can be much more powerful than our thoughts.  Just try to control your feelings with thoughts when you get dumped by a partner you really cared about, lose a job that you loved, get into a physical fight, or anything else that touches into our survival needs.  

 

The way I see it, our thoughts and feelings and actions are all in relationship to each other, all equally valid, no one mode is more important than the other.  The more you understand what is happening inside of you and outside of you and have awareness of what emotions and feelings are being experienced, the more you can engage your full self and your relationships to prevent things from spiraling out of control into overwhelm,  unconscious action, or a stuck stagnant mood.   

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

 

Grief Group: The Wild Edge of Sorrow

Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

 

Usually in our culture we only touch grief when we lose a loved one,
however now more than ever much is being lost and there is much to grieve.


You are invited to learn and work with your grief in this group. Whether your loss is a loved one, a job, environmental destruction, racial trauma and systemic oppression, ancestral lineage or anything that stirs sorrow or grief for you. Together we will share and grow our relationship with grief as we read The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller.  Anchored by the book, we will heal with our grief through writing, sharing, listening, and both individual and group ritual.

Everything we love we will lose.  Most of us have lost someone or something valuable already.  Grief unfelt, unattended to, or stuffed down interferes with life.  Life is renewed and fed by the cycles and passage of time, but time alone does not heal.  We can re-align back into the flow of life gain vibrancy by harvesting the meaning and purpose from our experiences, especially those that stir grief by tending to these processes intentionally.

Join us for a 6 week experiential group to deepen in relationship to grief, form community, be in ritual, support others, and connect more fully to your human experience including life, death, and more renewed vibrant life.

In this group you will explore, deepen, and strengthen your connection and relationships to:

  • Yourself
  • Grief and Loss
  • Healthy Adult Life Development
  • The World’s Challenges and Sorrows
  • Our Relationship with and Impact on Nature
  • People that have lived before you
  • Your ancestry
  • Cycles of life and death
  • Shared human experience

You will leave renewed and re-committed to living fully, nourished and enlivened by the depths of your soul.

Group will meet for 5 weeks of educational and prep work culminating with a final ritual to move through the energies of grief in a supportive community container.

Thursdays 6:00-8:00PM, September 29-November 3, 2022. (Ritual will be 6:00-9:00).

$300 for series. $60 for ritual alone.  (Stand alone ritual is only an option if you have previously attended a grief ritual. Otherwise, you need to attend at least 4 sessions of the group.)

Facilitator: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC has been apprenticing with grief since childhood and has been focusing on healthier expressions of grief through ritualized community shared practices over the past decade.  Drawing on conventional western approaches as well as his study with mentors of indigenous practices of America and West Africa Chuck creates a group container creating a supportive healing relationship with all forms of grief we experience in life.

 

Opening in Men’s Group

November 22, 2021
anger, anxiety, community, coping skills, feelings, goals, group, masculinity, men, mindfulness, personal growth, relationship, self awareness, self care, self esteem, stress reduction, therapy

If you’ve been wanting to join the Men’s Group, good news! There are two openings for new members in our Men’s Interpersonal Process Group.

This men’s interpersonal process group can help you get more real, more honest with yourself and others propelling you into deeper relationships and deeper success through challenge and support by other men. It is a real-time lab, where you will experience yourself and others with greater awareness and be able to try new behaviors and ways of
relating to being more effective in your life.

All topics and goals are welcome. Common themes are anger, depression, anxiety, personal identity, masculinity, relationships with women and/or other men, assertiveness, sex/sexuality, disconnect from emotions, work problems, fatherhood, confidence/self-esteem, accountability, honesty, spirituality, and finding purpose and meaning in life.

This group has been running weekly for the past 5 years facilitated by Chuck and over a decade prior to that facilitated by a psychologist who retired passing it on to Chuck. The long-running stability, diversity of age, background, and experience of the members, and experience of the facilitator are rare.


The ideal man will have had previous or current experience in therapy or other personal growth, but motivation and desire for greater self awareness will also enable you to benefit if this is your first growth experience.


All men are welcome in this group. You are welcome with all of your struggles, your gifts, your challenges, your gender, your sexuality, your personality, your pain, your shame, your questions, your desires.


All of you are welcome here!
Tuesday Evenings
5:00-6:30

$50 per group. 8 week minimum commitment, but most people will want to continue on long term for the support, authentic relationships, and unique opportunity to grow with a safe, established, circle of men and trained, experienced, professional facilitator.

Facilitated by: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC. Chuck has over a decade of experience participating in and leading men’s groups, experiential groups, therapy groups, wilderness groups, interpersonal process groups, ritual and rites of passage programs, and teaching college courses. Chuck is highly trained in treating trauma, mindfulness,
somatic therapy, and is a member of Colorado Group Psychotherapy Society and a perpetual student of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship patterns.

5 Foundational Tools and 200 Coping Skills Everyone Should Have for a Balanced Life

February 24, 2021
anger, anxiety, exercise, feelings, goals, growth, meditation, mindfulness, personal growth, priorities, relaxation, self esteem, shame, stress, stress reduction, therapy

Here are the 5 Foundational Tools and 200+ Coping Skills Everyone Should Have to be able to self-regulate

Our mental and emotional stress ebbs and flows throughout life as our schedules, routines, and work tasks change.  Because of this, I highly recommend that we all do a daily check in – two or three times per day even with our current mental, emotional, physical, and stress levels.  The human body can only handle so much, and our mental, emotional, physical, and relational stress all take a significant toll on our nervous system.  

It doesn’t have to take too much time, a simple traffic light works great: 

  • Green – I’m good, great even perhaps!  Keep going (if you want to)!
  • Yellow – I need to be careful, use caution, pay close attention, consider slowing down.
  • Red – Stop right now or harm will come.  

Or if you are more numbers focused, a 0-10 scale also works great where 0 represents calm and relaxed and 9-10 signifies stop right now, I can’t take anymore. 

So once you start monitoring your nervous system and recognize that you need to reduce stress, what do you do?  There are 5 foundational tools all supported by research that are very effective in reducing stress as well as difficult moods like anxiety and depression.  Having these tools in your back pocket are great when you need to reduce your stress levels or even better, build into healthy life routines to maintain a sustainable pace as much as possible.

Mindfulness – Find several flavors of mindfulness exercises that work for you.  See my resources section, YouTube, or apps like Insight Timer, Calm, or Headspace have many guided practices.  Some key practices are focusing meditation (on your breath, music, candle, object in nature, etc), listening to relaxing music or binaural beats, body scan meditation, walking meditation, and loving kindness meditation. My personal favorite is walking in nature paying attention to your 5 senses.

Exercise – Any exercise will do – walking, running, bodyweight fitness, calisthenics, weight lifting, stretching, yoga, martial arts, sports.  Get your body moving and heart rate up with activities that are appropriate for your body and skill level.  Even doing pushups, jumping jacks, burpees, until you can’t do any more for 5 minutes makes a difference!  You don’t have to commit to a full training program!

Nature – So much has been written on the benefits of nature.  See here for a brief introduction.  Go outside and use your 5 senses (hear, smell, sight, touch, taste – well, be careful what you taste outside).  It can be just outside your home, your closest park, a patch of grass, your closest favorite trail, or a wilderness destination.  Just get outside!

Communication – Communication helps you get beyond yourself to connect with other people, nature, pets, or the transpersonal (spiritual) realms.This is a big topic, but for now, know that being able to effectively communicate to connect with others beyond yourself so you can express yourself creatively and effectively is another essential skill.  There are many effective communication skills and strategies that you can learn, and there are many blocks to communication that can happen in yourself or with others.  Taking time to develop the ability to communicate your wants, needs, ideas, requests, and feelings is essential for a healthy balanced life.  Which leads to:

Emotional Intelligence – The definition of an emotion in the Psychology 101 textbook I used to teach from is that it is a subjective physiological experience.  That is, your feelings are yours, and they happen in your body.  The foundation for knowing yourself, effectively communicating with others, and managing your stress is emotional intelligence.  Some people say that our thoughts control our feelings, which has some truth, but really our emotions are often way more powerful than our thoughts.  Our minds create stories to make sense of our feelings at least as much as our thoughts create our feelings.  Knowing what you are feeling, to what degree, and being able to be honest with yourself and the right others is an essential skill for being human.  Research shows that no matter what culture, education level, or level of industrialization of your community, all humans feel the same 5 basic emotions:

Mad (also known as frustrated, annoyed, etc)

Sad (also known as down, blue, moody, etc)

Glad (also known as happy, joyful, content, peaceful, etc)

Fear (also known as anxious, nervous, tense, etc)

Shame/Guilt (pretty self explanatory, but helpful to distinguish between Guilt – a healthy emotion of I did something wrong and feel bad about, and Shame – I am bad)

Being able to identify our basic feelings is a foundational step to a healthy balanced life, understanding yourself, and relating to others. I invite you to add onto the traffic light or 0-10 scale exercise above by naming the feeling that goes with it and where it is happening in your body.

When the above 5 Foundational Tools are well developed, it will go a long way to help you manage your life more effectively and live with greater wellness and health.  Getting skilled at using these tools takes time and practice.  Our team of therapists can help you learn and refine these skills.  Further, when you need a break because the stress is just too high (you are at a “red light”) and none of these foundational tools are working, it’s time for something more basic.  That’s when the coping skills below come in handy.  Use the ones that seem helpful to you, ignore the rest.  Everyone is different and likes different things.

So there you have it – 5 Foundational Tools to develop and 200 coping skills to help you live a healthy well balanced life.  If you get good at all of this, are living life effectively and are content, then give yourself a big congratulations!  That is something!  For many of us though, these skills are just the tools that make deeper exploration possible.  It’s difficult to do deeper therapy without these skills, but these skills are not the end of the road.  Once you are ready to understand the bigger picture patterns that create unneeded stress and keep you repeating the old patterns, you know it is time to seek an Inner Life Guide – a therapist skilled at depth work.  That is our specialty!


So, reach out when you are ready.  Whether you are at the beginning of the trail, haven’t yet left your home, or are deep in the wilderness, we’ll meet you where you are and guide you to greater health and wellness!

Big List of 200+ Coping Skills

Cognitive

  • Self-monitoring
    • Identify your stress level 
    • Identify your emotions
    • Identify how this shows up in your body
  • Cognitive restructuring
    • Challenging the truth/assumptions of your thoughts
    • Refram with positive self-talk/reassurance
    • Say something kind to yourself
    • Say “I can do this”
    • Make a list of positive affirmations
    • List your positive qualities/strengths (and refer to it often)
    • Compliment yourself
    • Act opposite of negative feelings you’re experiencing
    • List things you are proud of
    • Make a gratitude list
    • Keep a daily positive experiences journal
    • Start a notebook with different inspirational and meaningful quotes
    • Make a “forget it” list
  • Setting and managing goals
  • Decision making pros and cons
  • Brainstorm solutions to a problem you are facing
  • Keep an inspirational quote with you
  • Read a magazine
  • Write a thank you note
  • Take pictures
  • Write a list
  • Schedule time for yourself
  • Write a story
  • Blog
  • Count to 100, then do it backwards
  • Do a crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • Play a word game on your phone/computer
  • Plan a trip
  • Write down your thoughts
  • Identify a positive thought
  • Make your day’s schedule
  • Make a to-do list
  • Write 
  • Journal
  • Plan a dream vacation
  • Research a topic of interest
  • Start your memoir
  • Start a blog
  • Research your family tree
  • Look at pictures you’ve taken
  • Start a dream journal
  • Do a puzzle
  • Write a short story or poem – refrain from self judgement or critique – give yourself permission for it to be really bad if necessary
  • Count backwards from 500
  • Think of 3 foods for every letter of the alphabet
  • Play a video game
  • Visualize a stop sign
  • Notice and name 5 things you can see, hear, and touch.
  • Color a mandala or a page from an adult coloring book
  • Practice playing an instrument

Emotional

  • Cry
  • Watch a funny video
  • Name your feelings
  • Name the triggers to your feelings
  • Watch a sad movie/video
  • Laugh
  • Scream into a pillow
  • Smile in the mirror
  • Move anger through movement, slamming pillows, or throwing or breaking rocks
  • Find a way to amplify your feelings to catharsis
  • Feel fear, remind yourself you are safe (if you really are safe)
  • Make a list of things you are grateful for.  Feel the feeling of gratitude.  What does it feel like?
  • Tell someone you love them
  • Tell yourself you love and care about yourself

Somatic (physical)

  • Deep breaths – 10, then 10 more if needed
  • Progressive muscle relaxation – systematically tense and relax all your muscles
  • Do a positive activity
  • Play sports
  • Stretch
  • Take a walk
  • Practice yoga
  • Give yourself or someone else a massage
  • Ask for a massage
  • Go for a bike ride
  • Play with clay
  • Crawl and roll around on the floor
  • Visualize your favorite place
  • Listen to music
  • Eat a healthy snack
  • Jog in place
  • Do pushups, squats, jumping jacks, or anything to exhaustion
  • Hum your favorite song
  • Clean something
  • Use a stress ball
  • Dance
  • Sexual self pleasure
  • Build something
  • Play with clay
  • Rip paper into pieces
  • Chew gum
  • Paint your nails
  • Garden
  • Paint
  • Drink some tea and pay attention to the temperature, flavors, and smells
  • Pet an animal
  • Organize something
  • Listen to nature sounds
  • Take a bath/shower
  • Use aromatherapy
  • Put on a face mask
  • Sing
  • Go for a drive
  • Watch television
  • Go shopping
  • Blow bubbles
  • Squeeze or suck on an ice cube
  • Sit in the sun and close your eyes
  • Throw rocks into the woods
  • Suck on a peppermint
  • Do the dishes
  • Make (and listen to) an upbeat playlist
  • Move your body to music
  • Scream into a pillow
  • Swim
  • Use nicely scented lotion
  • Get a massage
  • Play hacky sack
  • Stargaze
  • Give yourself a facial
  • Play a video game
  • Watch sports
  • Wear soft/comfortable clothes

Transpersonal/spiritual

  • Pray
  • Meditate
  • Attend a church service, group meditation, or yoga class
  • Listen to a recorded inspirational or spiritual talk
  • Get out in nature and talk to a natural object, plant, or animal
  • Do self generated ritual or ceremony
  • Talk with your deceased loved ones or ancestors

Behavioral and Social/relational

  • Behavioral activation
    • Complete something you have been putting off
    • Try a new recipe
    • Create a vision board
    • Make a bucket list
    • Call or write your senator to discuss an issue that’s important to you
    • Learn a new skill
      • Learn how to play an instrument
      • Learn how to read sheet music
      • Learn how to code
      • Learn 10 new words
      • Learn photography
      • Study and learn a foreign language
      • Take a class
    • Slow down, breath as you are doing things
  • Research something you’re interested in or would like to learn more about
  • Get enough sleep – keep a sleep log if sleep is a challenge
  • Take a nap
  • Volunteer
  • Go to library
  • Go for a picnic
  • Watch a movie
  • Draw/doodle/color
  • Ask yourself “What do I need right now?”
  • Play a game
  • Ask for and take a break
  • Enjoy a hobby
  • Shoot hoops
  • Shoot a bow and arrow
  • Dake a day for self care
  • Play an instrument
  • Reward or pamper yourself
  • Create art
  • Go for a relaxing drive out of town
  • Destroy something (that you can afford to lose)
  • Sew, knit, crochet
  • Make a collage of your favorite things
  • Work on the car
  • Cook or bake
  • Paint a room
  • Make a gift for someone.  Give it to them.
  • Give a small gift to a random person
  • Restore furniture
  • Play with a pet
  • Listen to music with a friend
  • Feed ducks/birds
  • Visit an animal shelter
  • Make your bed
  • Clean your room, kitchen, or whole house
  • Clean out your car
  • Turn on all of the lights
  • Fly a kite
  • Join a book club
  • Talk to a friend
  • Give someone a hug
  • Tell someone you are thankful for them
  • Express your feelings to someone
  • Smile at others
  • Meet a friend at a park, home, coffee shop, or restaurant
  • Get dressed up in a nice outfit
  • Put on makeup – fun, funky, creative or fancy and beautiful – your choice
  • Schedule an appointment for therapy

Tying it all together with practice accepting the things you cannot change,

Cultivating the courage to change the things you can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

SAFE – Working with our Emotions with Compassion for Ourselves and Others

April 6, 2020
anger, anxiety, change, depression, embodied, exercise, feelings, loneliness, stress

‘‘When we don’t feel safe, our brains fall into a fear mindset and don’t allow for our natural states of joy, calm and happiness to arise.’’

SAFE is a simple acronym for a practice you can use to ignite the natural anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine of self-compassion. In this time of uncertainty, there are lots of things being felt. To make it through, we have to be able to work with our emotions in a healthy way, not ignore them or “just think positively.”  It might work for a short time, but eventually you’ll run out of energy to keep supressing other feelings and welcoming only positive ones. When you are feeling something you don’t want to be feeling, try this practice.

S – Soften into the feeling. This implies a type of gentle recognition of the feeling or sensation in your body. Focus your awareness toward it softly.  If you can, maybe even naming it. “Breathing in, opening to the sadness/fear/vulnerability that is there, breathing out, softening into it.”  But if you can’t name it easily, don’t get hung up on it.  Sometimes it is even better to not, as words and labels may make us jump to assumptions about it.  But do make sure it is a feeling or sensation in your body, not a belief or narrative about something.

A – Allow it to be as it is, without resisting, trying to change it, or clinging to it.  For as long as needed, but aim for at least a few minutes.  Most likely not more than a few days.  If it lasts more than a few days or weeks, some outside help or support may be needed.

F – Feel into the emotion that is there even more with a kind attention and compassion for it. In doing this we can also drop in questions to connect our mind with our feelings:  “What is it trying to tell me?”  “What is it’s message for me right now?“ “What does this feeling believe?”” or “What do I need right now?” When we discover this we might give that to ourselves. For example, if we sense that we need to feel loved and to feel safe, we might say, “May I feel loved, May I feel safe, etc…”  We may need rest, connection, care, food, movement, etc.  I’d encourage you to keep your gift related to your inner process, rather than feeling like you need to take external action, especially to change or avoid the feeling.

E – Expand awareness of all people who also experience this feeling.  Remind yourself that while your situation may feel unique to you, the feeling you are experiencing is also experienced by virtually every human on this planet.  This feeling, this vulnerability of sadness, fear, anger, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, resistance, or any difficult experience is a universal human experience. This is a core component of self-compassion. Here is where we understand that we are not alone and that in this very moment there are thousands if not millions of people who are experiencing this very same feeling. The “E” of SAFE is where we inspire connection with the rest of humanity. In this practice we can also take what we learned from the “F” of SAFE and send it outward to specific people you know that also experience this or to humanity in general saying, “May we all feel loved, May we all feel safe, etc… Some people find it helpful to do this with a hand on their heart, stomach or both.

If you have trouble focusing on your inner experience in this way, it may be helpful to first ground yourself with input from your 5 senses.  Paying attention to information first from the outside world of what you can hear, see, smell, touch/feel, and taste.  Ask yourself, am I really SAFE in this moment?  Is there an immediate threat?  Most likely, there is not anything that has to happen this exact moment.  Then allow yourself to come back to the SAFE exercise.

SAFE Acronym by Elisha Goldstein, PhD, explanations and expansion provided by Chuck Hancock, LPC, EMDR II of Inner Life Adventures 

Spread Your Shame and Pain – Intentionally

How Leave No Trace (LNT) Camping Ethics Apply to Your Shame and Pain

Yes, you read that right!  Scatter your shame and pain, intentionally!  What have you been doing with your shame and pain?  If you are like most people, you hide it, deny it, or perhaps unload it on one best friend or your romantic partner.  But the problem with that is it comes out sideways, when you least expect it.  Or it stagnates and rots inside you.  Or you overburden your best friend or partner expecting too much.  So what do you do about it?

In LNT principles, you minimize your impact on our environment by scattering cool ashes and scattering your strained dishwater.  Why?  You pack out trash, but you don’t want to carry dead organic material from the past with you.  That is best left to return to the earth to be broken down and fertilize the next generations of life  And leaving a pile of waste is an eyesore, attracts animals, and over-taxes one spot.  Especially if you leave food scraps in a pile, it will decompose and stink.  

Pain and shame is a natural organic human experience.  Just like the lifecycle represented with food and ashes.  Our emotional “yucky stuff” needs to be handled just like physical “yucky stuff.” It can’t be ignored, don’t let it accumulate, don’t leave it for others to deal with. Give it a proper treatment by straining out the big bits, and dispersing the small pieces where they don’t cause harm and in some cases can even nourish other forms of life.

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown advises that we handle these feelings just like we strain our dishwater or separate ashes from incompletely burned charred firewood.  First separate what you do from who you are.  You may have done something you regret, but it doesn’t mean you are bad.  Guilt is feeling bad about what you did, which can be a healthy emotion that causes a change in behavior.  Shame is saying who you are is bad.  This is destructive and causes future harm, to yourself obviously, but to others in your life as well. Shamed people shame people.  Don’t allow your shame to fester, rot, or accumulate or it will impact others by you shaming or judging them.  

After we strain our dishwater or cool our ashes, we spread them so we don’t concentrate them in one spot.  The next step of dealing with shame or pain is the same.  Find lots of people who can share a little bit of your story.  Shame lives in secrecy.  The best way to free yourself of shame or pain is to shed light on it rather than hide it.  Unloading everything on one person can be too much.  But by having good friends, a partner, family, a support group, a therapist and/or therapy group, etc you can share appropriate parts with trustworthy people, eventually freeing yourself of the burden, while not overtaxing one person.  

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too. – Brene Brown, TED Talk (linked above)

Doing what I do, I am exposed to the pain, shame, and trauma of lots of people.  And of course I’m human too and create plenty of my own!  I’m trained to work with these hazardous feelings and am better equipped than your average friend, but even I can’t hold that myself. And you too may have experienced more than your fair share of “yucky stuff,” so this tip can apply to you too. Over the years of doing therapy, I’ve assembled my own pain dispersal system.  I have my own therapist, a men’s group, mentor(s), a peer consultation group, and several good male and female friends, a great relationship with my romantic partner, and spiritual practices and rituals that I can share and disperse my own pain and “yucky stuff” with.   Due to confidentiality, I obviously can’t and don’t talk about other people’s details, but I certainly can talk about my own pain and how I am impacted by what I experience in my life.  Often that is a better way to connect anyhow.  People don’t always need to know the details, and often can’t even relate to your specific experience, but everyone can connect and empathize with the feelings you have.  Get to the point, get real, and connect on your shared emotional human experience.  And assemble a your own personal tribe of people so each person can handle a little bit, and nobody gets overburdened, especially the people closest to you.

When you don’t own your story, your story owns you.  When you own your story, you are free to edit and re-author it any way you choose.  When you don’t own your story, it controls your feelings and behaviors, often perpetuating the shame and pain. When you own your guilt, shame, or pain and spread it intentionally, it doesn’t harm you or anyone else.  In fact, sometimes it can be a gift to teach others from your experience.  But when you hold it, deny it, or repress it, it rots and overburdens you.  It gets worse and will get spread unconsciously and possibly cause more harm to you and others in your life.  With great circle of trustworthy people you can be real and vulnerable with, you can unburden yourself, without burdening others to free yourself up to write the next chapter of your life with more joy and ease.  Spread it! Carefully and intentionally.

 

Bonus Videos on the Topic:

Here’s Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) expert Jon Kabat Zin speaking about this topic and to use mindfulness with these feelings.

And for a lighter more humorous look, here’s comedian Kyle Cease.

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Expanding Beyond “Mindfulness”

January 5, 2016
change, depression, embodied, experience, feelings, growth, human experience, meditation, mindfulness, outdoors, relationship, stress reduction, therapy

As I was hiking this morning, I was watching myself, being aware of what I was doing, thinking, feeling, and sensing and a thought occurred, that mindfulness is about so much more than our mind.  As a former software engineer, I was living in a world of thought and cognition, which of course is helpful for many things, but not everything life gives us.  There is so much more to the mind than just thought, and if our definition of mindfulness is Sun shining through the treesonly on thoughts or the absence of thought, there’s so much more we are missing.

Don’t hear me wrong, being more aware of our thoughts, evaluating them as fact/opinion, true/false, helpful/not helpful and working to actively change thought is an essential first step.    It is the foundational basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which has been the primary treatment for a couple decades now, but of course there is more.

First let’s be clear that our “mind” is different than our brain (the lump of cells in our skull).  And even our brain is not just thought.  As anyone who has seen the movie Inside Out will know, there are memories, emotions, core beliefs, and more that shape our personality and all are contained in our brain.  (As a side note, if you have not seen this movie yet, go see it!) Our “mind” is much broader and includes all of the components of the brain mentioned above, the remainder of our nervous system, body, and more.  Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine defines the mind as “an embodied and relational process that regulates energy and information flow.”

His definition is dense and can be broken down into much detail, but for now I just want to elaborate on a couple of points.  The mind regulates information flow – taking in information from our environment, information occurring within us, and information that may or may not leave us through expression.  The mind regulates energy input and output, such as the clamping down and low energy state known as depression.  The mind is embodied, that it is includes our central nervous system and peripheral nervous system that runs throughout our body and feels and expresses through the body.  And the mind is relational – our mind is influenced, shaped, impacted, and includes our relationships of the past and present.

So when we talk about mindfulness, we have to keep in mind that our mind is not just our brain, which is not just our thoughts.  It’s helpful to start with tools that help us learn awareness and focus, but then we also need to keep in mind that when we talk about mindfulness, we also need to consider and work with body-fulness, emotion-fulness, sense-fulness, thought-fulness, memory-fulness, self-fulness, other-fulness, relation-fulness, heart-fulness, personality-fulness, habitual behavioral pattern-fulness, and all the other components of being human.

You can try some exercises and see a diagram of this on my Mindful Practice page.

To explore all these areas, it takes awareness, skill, willingness, patience, and it is quite helpful to have a guide.  After all, how do you explore the relational aspects of mind by yourself?  Further, most of us tend to stay in our habitual comfort zone, and having someone to help point out the things we are not seeing on our own is an important part of the process of growth and healing.  Exploring all of this is what Dan Siegel calls “Mindsight,” and I call it your Inner (and outer) Life Adventure.

Happy exploring!

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

New Therapy Group for Teens

August 17, 2015
anger, anxiety, change, children, community, exercise, experience, experiential, feelings, goals, group, growth, human experience, kids, mindfulness, outdoors, personal growth, relationship, school, self esteem, therapy

 

 

 

Join us for a new first of its kind hybrid group therapy and wilderness therapy group for teenagers locally on the Front Range based out of Fort Collins, CO.  This outdoor group was created to offer the best of coaching, therapy, and wilderness adventures to adolescents without the cost and time commitment of traditional backcountry programs.

This group is open to all teens of all genders regardless of “issue” who are simply looking for personal growth by getting outside and joining in a community of peers, connecting with themselves, others, and nature. Through exploring themselves, overcoming challenges, developing new skills,  and being guided by expert facilitators our participants learn to bring the best of the lessons and experiences of the outside…. in.

For more details, click here and or contact Chuck directly at [email protected] or 970.556.4095.

Download a pdf version of the flyer to print, email, and share with someone who could benefit.

Outside--in flyer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s OK to be Angry

October 28, 2014
anger, anxiety, busy, embodied, feelings, human experience, mindfulness, relaxation, stress

Most of us have a conflicted and misinformed relationship with anger.  On one hand, some people think it anger is bad and do everything

Angry Face

Photo By: Lara Schneider

possible to stay well away from it to never risk feeling that way and when it does slip out, they feel guilty for being angry.  Or for other people it is the go-to emotion.  Anger is the only reaction that is possible and it gets overused with the wrong people at the wrong times.  Obviously, as with most extremes, neither reaction to anger is healthy.

Anger is a natural and helpful emotion that says, “something is happening I am really not okay with” or “something is not happening that I really need.”  Anger is our system’s response that says this is so important, I’m going to do whatever it takes including getting bigger, louder, faster, stronger, and more powerful to make it happen.  Obviously, without this reaction, we can get taken advantage of, resulting in even more hurt.   So it is important to never cut ourselves off from our anger.  But it is also helpful to learn how to be angry in a helpful and productive way to avoid doing damage to those we care about.

Here are a few tips for having productive anger:

1) Slow down.  When we get angry, our nervous system is aroused.  Its the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response.  But we can and need to consciously control this.  Name for yourself (and others) that you notice yourself getting activated.  Take slow deep breaths.  Take a time out.  Go for a walk or run outside.  Avoid acting from our anger.

2) Identify what is happening that is really not OK or what you really need that is not happening in the situation.  See if there is another emotion under the anger. Write down these needs and/or feelings for yourself or share it with a trusted friend.  Eventually, in a calm state, you will want to share this with the source of your anger.

3) Take responsibility.  Do not blame the other person.  Acknowledge the specific actions that led to your anger and own your reactions and emotions.

4) Make a request for things to be different.  Now knowing what you need, you can now find a way to creatively, rationally, and collaboratively get closer to what you are hoping will happen.

Practicing these things help bring us in closer relationship with ourselves and others.  Always acting from anger or avoiding it ultimately cuts us off and distances us from ourselves and others leading to resentment or hurt feelings.  Of course, it’s not easy, but it’s a worthwhile practice.  Good luck!  Let me know how it goes.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Want more?  Check out The Right Way to Get Angry by the Greater Good Science Center at University of California Berkeley.  With bonus video on how to stay calm during a fight in your relationships.

 

8 Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy

July 24, 2014
change, feelings, goals, growth, human experience, personal growth, relationship, therapy

With so many “healers,” coaches, counselors, psychotherapists, and psychologists out there practicing thousands of methods, there are many misconceptions about what therapy is and isn’t.  I can’t dispel all the myths, but here are a few things I’d like you to know.

alone in the woods1. People who go to therapy are not crazy.  You are not crazy.  

We all have challenges and unique ways of approaching them. Most people feel like they are unique and nobody has ever had the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that they have. Guess what? We are all human. There is nothing inherently bad, embarrassing, or shameful about anything you are thinking or experiencing. Most of us only feel this way because we don’t take the risk to be vulnerable and share the details of our inner worlds with others. You can be assured, no matter what you are facing, it may be challenging, you may be coping in ineffective ways, but you are not crazy.

2. Relationship is everything.

There are literally thousands of theories and techniques for doing therapy. You know what the one thing is that research shows will be a predictor of a successful outcome? Relationship. The level of trust and safety you feel with your therapist is the best predictor of success. If you don’t feel able to explore the deeper levels of truth first with yourself and also with your therapist, it will be really hard to make lasting changes. Trust and relationship take time to build, really. It can’t be rushed. It is the most important thing we will do. Nobody exists outside of some sort of relationship, and most of us have limited or no access to a truly supportive, deeply caring, and profoundly accepting relationship like can be developed here.

3. I’m not here to give you advice.

You will probably want it at some point, but I am not the expert in you or your life. You are. My job is to help you gain more trust and confidence in your own ability to lead your own life. I will gladly offer talkingreflections of what you are saying, what it seems like you are saying that you are not aware of, and questions to help you get more clear, but your life is yours to live.

4. My job is not to psychoanalyze you.

See above. A good therapist will not claim to have all the answers. I certainly don’t. We are humans just like you. You are the expert in you. My job is to help you peel back the layers to become even more intimate with yourself, so that you know and feel that you are indeed the only one who can be the expert in you. And you are the only one that can make the changes in your life. My job is to be curious as we explore the unknown together, and maybe I can guide a little and empower you to continue with your own self-leadership.

5. All emotions are welcome. Especially anger.

Most of us have a challenged relationship with our emotions. Either we don’t feel or acknowledge them at all or we are totally ruled by them. Neither is helpful. Emotions serve a purpose: they repel us from things that aren’t good for us and bring us closer to things that are. Ignoring the wisdom of your emotions results in poor decision making and disconnection from yourself. And yet if your emotions are controlling you, you probably could use some balance by engaging your thoughts and rational mind more. The point is, therapy provides a safe and welcoming space where all your emotions are welcome, valid, and supported, even the ones that get a bad reputation such as anger. Emotions are an important part of being human.

6. You will probably backslide to old behavior patterns and I won’t judge you.

Most of us have been engaged in habitual thinking and automatic behaviors for a long time. There is a saying in neuroscience that says, “neurons that fire together wire together.” The longer you have a habitual way of thinking or behaving, the more that pattern gets imprinted in our brain. Our old patterns are kind of like the most popular hiking trails near town – they are well-trodden and easy to find. But when you try to make changes to your thinking and behaving, it is like starting a new trail by simply veering off the main trail. It takes many times walking the new path to wear it in, and even then it is still faint. It is much easier, safer, and more comfortable to stay on the familiar trail. It takes much more effort and intention to forge a new trail, but with time, it will also be easy for you to find and then you will have a choice of which path to take. Relapse is part of the change process, it is not failure. This is another reason it helps to have a guide who knows the terrain.

7. You deserve to be happy and only you are in control of that. I want to support you in having the life you want.

This is a complicated topic, but I want you to know that you only have one life and you deserve to enjoy it. Even if the changes you want to make seem huge and there are a lot of factors that seem in your way – relationships, finances, family, job, education, and more, there are ways to be happy in any circumstance, and there are ways to move toward something better for you. It’s worth it.

8. Therapy is weird. And special. And priceless. And takes courage.

Before people come to therapy, they usually try almost everything they can think of to do it on their own. Some approaches are helpful, others are not. People come to therapy for all kinds of different reasons. Therapy can help with many mental, emotional, and relational challenges – and even some physical (somatic) symptoms. But it can be hard to meet with someone who is a total stranger at first and talk about the most vulnerable and personal things that we sometimes don’t even want to share with our closest friends or family. And that is part of what makes it special and priceless. For most of us, we can’t find any other relationship like this where it is safe to talk about anything, and have it met with 100% acceptance, no judgment, and even some gentle support on how to do things differently.

Our automatic habitual thoughts and behaviors are mostly unconscious. Without outside input, it is likely we will stay stuck doing and thinking the same thing. When you are ready for a trained guide to take you out of the familiar and into a new life, we’ll be here. See you then.

~chuck

Edit: Right after publishing this, I came across this post written from a therapy client.  Great insights from an experienced client’s perspective.

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

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