Relationships Matter: 6 Levels of Healthy Relational Safety and Depth

February 3, 2023
children, community, human experience, relationship

Relationships matter.  And to riff on the old adage, it’s not who you know; it’s how well you know them that counts.   Nothing happens outside the context of a relationship.  At the very least, we have (or had) parents, we have (or had) siblings or peers, we have coworkers or customers, and we have neighbors (even if we don’t know them).  It is in the context of these relationships that we give and receive things we need and learn about ourselves and our world.  And in our fast-paced technology connected world, it is hard to maintain relational depth.  

Even when I’m working with individuals who are not interested in working on their relationships, we have a relationship with ourselves.  How we talk to and how we feel about ourselves perhaps matters the most!  How well we know ourselves and how we relate to ourselves is the foundation of our ability to enjoy life and engage effectively with the world. 

One of the useful theories or lenses to use in talking about relationships is attachment.  In simple language, attachment is a way to describe how able we are and how safe it is to connect with another human.  Attachment begins at birth and changes throughout life.  If we are well supported and attuned to, it is easy for us to connect with others and easy for us to be alone.  If we hit roadblocks along the way, we can face various challenges in connecting with others.  This is most obviously seen in intimate relationships. However, peer relationships are also effective by our attachment styles.  This can impact everything from finding an intimate partner to having friends and social support, to parenting, to being successful in our career.  So if you have had struggles in any of those areas, read on to see where you might be able to heal and strengthen your relational abilities.

Attachment starts with a solid foundation, or solid roots, if you will.  With healthy, secure attachments, we can still stand tall in the strong winds and storms of life. And we can be at peace when the storms pass.  Without solid, healthy attachments, we get rocked, blown around, and are unable to rest and be at peace when there are no immediate challenges.  With unhealthy attachments, it is easy to turn to unstable comforts to feel better, like alcohol, drugs, unhealthy sexual behaviors, unhealthy people, screens – media, social media, video games, and more.  With a secure, stable attachment, we can use these things in healthy, appropriate ways and turn to ourselves or appropriate people for healthy connection and comfort.  

Attachment theory describes attachment as being either secure or insecure.  A secure attachment means the person is stable on their own AND can connect deeply with others to receive and give various forms of support or nourishment with appropriate levels of intimacy.  Insecure attachment can manifest as anxiety (anxious attachment style) if someone gets too close or too far, avoidance (avoidant attachment style) of getting close to someone, or a combination of anxious or avoidant (anxious-avoidant attachment style) feelings or behaviors.  

Dr. Gordon Neufeld has gone further to describe six levels of attachment that happen during our key developmental years.  These six drives can also demonstrate themselves in adulthood when we look at the types of relationships we have and how we connect or avoid our adult relationships.  Each of these six levels builds on the one before.  That is, if we are underdeveloped at one level, it is harder to move on and have healthy relationships at the later levels.

The six levels are:

Drive to be with – Attachment to physical proximity.  Being close to an individual. This is the most basic.  Being with someone in their physical presence.  Teenagers often like to hang out even if they are not doing anything in particular.  It is comforting to just be with someone and be able to see, smell, hear, and touch them.  This reassures us of our physical safety.  We need a home base, touchstone, and resting place, which serves as a compass point to navigate the greater world.   When this physical attachment is suitable, we can feel safe in the middle of chaos.  If not, we become armored and cannot be physically close, hug, or touch others.  

Drive to be like – Attachment to the identity/personality of an individual.  Once we feel safe enough in our body, the next level is the desire to be like or the same as someone we like or respect. As part of our identity formation, we emulate, identify with, imitate, and model after them learning behaviors, our core identity, preferences, dislikes, and social norms to fit into society.  We do this with our parents at an early age and friends or partners later on.  This serves to enable us to feel close while apart because we are acting like and remembering them (even if not consciously).  

Drive to be part of – Attachment to belonging and standing with a group.  Once we are secure enough in our individual identity, we want to belong to a bigger group.  Whether that is a nuclear family, extended family, class, school, sports team, peer group, political affiliation, national affiliation, ethnic affiliation, religion, profession, or any group of “like” people.  To feel like there are lots of people like us and on our side helps us feel secure and that we belong to something greater.  It creates a feeling of loyalty and the desire to serve, obey, or even defer to the will of the group.  

Drive to matter – Attachment to being valued by a group.  Once we feel connected to and part of a bigger group of people (or more than one), we need to feel like we are important to and worthy of care, respect, love, or esteem.   This is the drive for greater success and achievement.  Perhaps it is this drive that video games are tapping into for some, but often is incomplete, and people keep playing at excessive levels because it has to be had in personal relationships, not just with a score or standings board on a screen.  We all need unconditional positive regard – that is feeling that people value us no matter what we do or what we are.  When we feel this way, this frees people from a lifelong search for value, always trying to prove their worth which can then opens the person to further levels of intimacy and fullest potential rather than just trying to be important.  Without this value, people endlessly chase value externally through achievement, peer recognition, consumerism, unnecessary degrees, and more.

Drive for love – Attachment to being loved and emotionally intimate in our full authentic self.  Once we know that we belong, we are important, and we matter no matter what we do or how we are, we are available for true intimacy or “attaching at the heart.”  Again each of the previous stages has to have at least some level of health or intimacy can be superficial or motivated by seeking simple physical closeness (like just living together or having disconnected sex), identity, belonging, or value importance.  It is possible to have some intimacy without, but true intimacy with be limited by our needs to feel those prior levels.  This level of attachment requires a secure sense of self, identity, belonging, value, and the ability to be present with limbic attunement to the other. To be open and receptive to another and able to feel (all) emotions, give and share heart enables this level of attachment. The risk of course is that this opens us up to big vulnerability.  With healthy attachment, we can feel safest in long-term relationships (family or committed relationships).  But without healthy attachment, we have the paradoxical effect that the longer the relationship, the more threatening vulnerability becomes.  

Some studies are suggesting early digital intimacy undermines this need for this emotional intimacy.  In a long-term relationship, healthy attachment at all these levels of attachment enables us to weather storms of disagreement and difficulty and stay attuned, committed, and attached to work through problems rather than separating or avoiding.  Knowing we are connected and attached at this level helps people remain caring and open toward someone despite periods of distance and separation due to hardship or travel. It can set the stage for deeper levels of psychological and sexual intimacy that are not possible when there are missing pieces in any of the lower levels.  Knowing we are securely attached in this way we can be shielded from wounding from the world, less reactive to hurts from our partner, and able to keep a soft open heart in face of wounding and stresses of the world.  Without this, we blame, attack, withdraw, close off, and seek to control, change or manipulate to keep ourselves safe.  I think this is essential for full psychological development and maturity, especially with the state of the world today.

Drive for psychological intimacy – be fully known to – Attachment to our full authentic whole self.  At this level, we are secure and have no secrets that divide us from ourselves especially, but also with a few select others. We can be fully honest with ourselves about our most hidden shameful thoughts, feelings, desires, or experiences, and we are able to share secrets with appropriate, trustworthy others, and we are not shamed for those secrets.  This is important for children when considering the previous states of attachment needs and the need for connection with a parent. What your parents don’t know about what you did won’t get you in trouble, but those secrets cause a divide and distance, making love and acceptance inaccessible.  Even if parents could love and accept the transgression, the personal feeling that it must be kept secret causes a psychological separation that takes a toll. This level of secure attachment makes known what you normally keep hidden, allowing greater ability to accept yourself and others. This is different than just knowing about (indirect/impersonal) or being exposed to it secondhand or intellectually.  We must be the ones that shares the thing we fear to share.  With an intimate partner, we have to be the one to physically or metaphorically take our clothes off, be seen and witnessed, and have the experience of still being loved despite the secret.  This happens after one has shared from their heart and has the ability to reflect on one’s own thoughts and feelings and behaviors.  We all need to be seen fully.  Social media and  capitalizes on this need, but ineffectively because it is impersonal incomplete and does not address the need for physical presence, attunement, mirroring, validation, touch, and seeing the person’s care and acceptance. 

So much more could be said about this as it is an in-depth and complicated topic.  Simply knowing this is only the first step to repairing and living from these six levels of attachment and relational depth. But I wanted to at least sketch this outline as I’ve found it helpful for many of my clients in identifying and understanding relationship challenges.  Being able to have a healthy attachment at these six levels builds strong roots to weather the stresses and storms of life.  And our attachment strengths and weaknesses don’t just show up in our relationships with others, these factors all show up in our relationship with ourselves! 

It’s hard to thrive in the world without a solid foundation, and without deep roots, we get blown over easily.  I also believe that being able to have a solid foundation through these deeply rooted levels of relationship helps us to create togetherness and relationships that can be healthy and solid despite differences, which is essential to resolve the extreme polarization that we’re experiencing in our world manifesting as us-them divisions, increased racism and  nationalism, gender and culture wars, or further separations in our relational and community lives.  When we have solid attachments as described above, we can have a solid sense of self, to become our own person, belonging in the community, aware and nurtured by the ways we are the same, celebrating the ways we are different, and can talk about any and all of it honestly and vulnerably without it devolving into a battle and more separation.  We can be different and still securely attached, connected, and rooted rather than blown away in the storms of our inner world or our outer life. 

For more information:

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

New Podcast: My Life is the Medicine

My Life is the Medicine is a new podcast hosted by Chuck Hancock.  Chuck sits down to have conversations with people to look at how life has provided numerous lessons and initiations already that we sometimes overlook. Instead, we get lost seeking new, bigger, or better experiences.  

In the age of abundant experts and gurus, we take the subversive stance that you are actually the only expert you need for your own life. By looking closer at your own life experiences – both the ones that felt good and the array of challenges you had, you can harvest all the wisdom and medicine you need to guide your unique life and offer your unique gifts and wisdom to the world.  We have conversations with ordinary people to look closer at how everyday experiences of living life have shaped us and taught us profound lessons.  Often we don’t think much of our choices and experiences, but in reality, they all have a profound meaning.  Instead of just moving from one thing to the next, we can slow down and pause to integrate the initiations that life has already provided, to become even more whole, balanced, and able to bring the medicine of our life, the medicine we’ve already been given, into the world.  

Found on most major podcast players including Spotify, Apple, and Google.  You can find links to these and other players on the podcast page here: https://mylifeisthemedicine.buzzsprout.com/

Or listen directly below:

Opening in Men’s Group

November 22, 2021
anger, anxiety, community, coping skills, feelings, goals, group, masculinity, men, mindfulness, personal growth, relationship, self awareness, self care, self esteem, stress reduction, therapy

If you’ve been wanting to join the Men’s Group, good news! There are two openings for new members in our Men’s Interpersonal Process Group.

This men’s interpersonal process group can help you get more real, more honest with yourself and others propelling you into deeper relationships and deeper success through challenge and support by other men. It is a real-time lab, where you will experience yourself and others with greater awareness and be able to try new behaviors and ways of
relating to being more effective in your life.

All topics and goals are welcome. Common themes are anger, depression, anxiety, personal identity, masculinity, relationships with women and/or other men, assertiveness, sex/sexuality, disconnect from emotions, work problems, fatherhood, confidence/self-esteem, accountability, honesty, spirituality, and finding purpose and meaning in life.

This group has been running weekly for the past 5 years facilitated by Chuck and over a decade prior to that facilitated by a psychologist who retired passing it on to Chuck. The long-running stability, diversity of age, background, and experience of the members, and experience of the facilitator are rare.


The ideal man will have had previous or current experience in therapy or other personal growth, but motivation and desire for greater self awareness will also enable you to benefit if this is your first growth experience.


All men are welcome in this group. You are welcome with all of your struggles, your gifts, your challenges, your gender, your sexuality, your personality, your pain, your shame, your questions, your desires.


All of you are welcome here!
Tuesday Evenings
5:00-6:30

$50 per group. 8 week minimum commitment, but most people will want to continue on long term for the support, authentic relationships, and unique opportunity to grow with a safe, established, circle of men and trained, experienced, professional facilitator.

Facilitated by: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC. Chuck has over a decade of experience participating in and leading men’s groups, experiential groups, therapy groups, wilderness groups, interpersonal process groups, ritual and rites of passage programs, and teaching college courses. Chuck is highly trained in treating trauma, mindfulness,
somatic therapy, and is a member of Colorado Group Psychotherapy Society and a perpetual student of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship patterns.

Relationship Skills for Men* 5 Week Online Course

February 13, 2020
change, community, masculinity, men, relationship, Uncategorized

Relationship Skills for Men* 

(Men in this context means male/masculine identifying person)

1 month Thursday lunchtime online zoom meeting

March 26 – April 26, 2020.  Thursdays @ Noon.  

In all my work with men – be it as clients, in men’s groups, close friends, or family, the number one consistent theme that causes the most stress (even with men who have everything else they want) – successful career, hobbies, friendships, etc.), is having successful relationships with women* (women meaning female/feminine identifying person).  

If you have have this struggle, (or maybe don’t currently have it, but find yourself in cycles in your relationship where this comes up from time to time) and still haven’t learned how to resolve it, you owe it to yourself and the women in your life to carve out an hour a week to learn how to better relate to the feminine. You probably know how good it feels to be in a healthy, satisfying relationship. And you probably know how bad it feels to be in a poor, unsatisfying, or unhealthy relationship.  

This course will empower you to become the skilled and competent leader for healthy relationships in your life and in your romantic partnership.

In this lunchtime online Zoom meeting we will:

Zoom online meeting view
  • Learn losing strategies and winning strategies for healthy relationships
  • Learn practical relational skills for more connected, peaceful, and rewarding conversations
  • Learn skills for managing conflict
  • Learn how to de-escalate when tensions, stress, or anger get high
  • Learn how to identify and regulate emotions with you and your partner
  • Begin to identify the relational patterns that cause problems between you and others
  • Learn how self-esteem, self-care, and how you treat yourself show up in relationship 
  • Be fully present and engaged with mind and body with mindfulness and awareness exercises
  • Learn the difference between co-dependence, self reliance, and interdependence
  • Explore healthy sexuality in relationship 
  • Learn to take personal responsibility for what is ours, and set boundaries around what is not
  • Practice in real time to build skill and confidence in your ability to apply them with women

Relationship is a full contact sport!  It takes our full presence, awareness, and training to properly utilize our primary relational tools – our mind, our heart, and our body.  There are many great books and podcasts to give you the knowledge you need, but you can’t just read a book or listen to a podcast and know these things and expect to have better relationships.  Actually practicing these tools and concepts with other men, giving and receiving feedback, and then utilizing them during the week with your partner will accelerate your learning and skill level.  This course is packed with information to help you understand the why, effective tools to implement in your relationship, and it also includes a brief amount of time to practice in the safety of Zoom breakout rooms with other men.  If you can communicate using these tools with other men, you can do it with women.

We will become a community of support for you as you learn and apply these tools and concepts.  You’ll be given handouts with specific instructions and key ideas each week to ensure you can have the support you need in real time, in your pocket.

Why study relationship skills with me?

I’ve been participating in and leading men’s work for almost a decade, as well as practicing as a psychotherapist. Just as important as my professional experience and credentials, my life experiences as a husband, father, son, brother, and friend and shaped me most, trying and sometimes failing at practicing what I teach.  Before becoming a therapist, I was a software engineer who grew up in the south with all of the rules about being a man. Many of them were misguided and not helpful. My world was ruled by logic and reason alone. I was involved with lots of groups, I played sports, studied martial arts, and was smart and successful, but I struggled with relationships. Nobody taught me how to relate effectively and how to have the courage and strength I needed to be honest with myself and others.  I understand the world of men and talking to men about relationships can be different than talking to women. I’ve studied the best authors, researchers, and practitioners in the field such as the Gottmans, Relational Life Therapy with Terry Real, Ester Perel, Emotionally Focused Therapy, as well as the most important relationship topics such as attachment, somatic trauma work, sex therapy. In addition to all the theoretical knowledge, studying finely attuned somatic psychotherapy such as Hakomi and IFS as well as very somatic and non verbal forms of martial arts, jiu-jitsu, and dance have taught me even more about the dance between direct assertiveness and receptive attunement. Even with this breadth of knowledge and understanding, there are still days where I struggle and get tripped up, just like anyone else.  Having references, ongoing support, and accountability to using these tools is essential when we stumble. So I’ve taken the best tools from these experts, translated them into real life applications and created this course so you get to be your authentic self. You won’t sound like you are communicating from a script, you will be honest and authentic, and you can immediately use these ideas and tools to shift your stance, become your own leader, and improve the way that you relate with women so you can get started right away with healthier relationships.

I’ll show you how to live and embody a strong masculine relational stance – one that is wise, compassionate, active, effective, open, receptive, and can handle anything that comes your way.

Investment of Your Time and Money

This course is designed for anyone to use their one hour lunch break, once a week, for one month from the convenience of their phone or computer to skyrocket their relational skills.  No travel time. No excuses. 

$50 per session.  1 hour per week. 4 week commitment.

However, if you haven’t decided your skills and relationship are worth the investment, here’s how I’ll make it even more worth your while:

Sign up by March 2nd and pay only $40 per session 

Attend and participate in all 4 sessions so I know you have the built the foundation, have the necessary background information and you are invested in your relational life, and you will be invited to attend a free bonus meeting where I’ll answer your questions, go into further depth of any topic covered, and provide coaching about a specific relationship issue you have, if you choose. 

If you are ready to commit to improving your relationship skills for yourself and your partner, sign up by March 2nd and for only $160 you will get 5 weeks of instruction and an opportunity to get direct coaching and feedback on a relationship issue you are facing.  This brings your cost to only $32 per group! Consider that is a 5 hour program for the price of ONE individual therapy or coaching session. 

If you are hesitant or late to commit, don’t worry. You can still get all 5 sessions for $200.  Still a great deal! You, your partner, your relationship, and your life satisfaction are worth it.  

Course Outline

March 26 – April 26, 2020.  Thursdays @ Noon.  

Week 1

  • Setting the Foundation
  • Communication Basics
  • Healthy Interdependence vs Codependence, enmeshment, or self-reliance
  • What is Your Relationship Dream?
  • Practice and Homework

Week 2

  • Creating Safe Secure Relationships (as opposed to anxious, avoidant, or distant relationships)
  • De-escalating conflict and stressful conversations
  • Emotional Intelligence
  • Practice and Homework

Week 3

  • Turning Up The Heat – Appropriately, Skillfully, and Wisely
  • Giving and Receiving Feedback
  • Getting What You Want, Getting What You Need
  • Male Sexuality and Pornography in Relationship
  • Practice and Homework

Week 4

  • Bigger Picture and Moving Forward
  • Repairing After a Regrettable Incident
  • Self Leadership and Relational Leadership – Achieving Balance in Thinking, Feeling, Being, and Doing
  • Practice and Homework

Week 5 * (Bonus for those who engaged and participated in all 4 prior sessions)

  • Review and Diving Deeper With Previous Topics
  • Questions and Discussion
  • Live Coaching on Your Personal Situation Challenge

These are just the highlights and main themes of the course.  You can be assured we will pack much more into each hour we spend together.  If you are not convinced you need this, ask your partner and get their feedback.  Or if you have a specific need or question about the course, reach out to [email protected].  

Registration and Preparation

When you are ready to commit, there are four steps to take:

  1. Complete the registration form here or below.
  2. Click the Buy Now button below and send your payment for the course.  $160 for Early Commitment by March 2nd. $200 after March 2nd.
  3. Be sure your computer or phone is ready to use Zoom meetings.  Join a test meeting if you have never used Zoom before.  Having video is best to view material, but audio and phone only will suffice if needed.
  4. Be sure you have reserved 12:00 MST on your calendar for the meeting dates.  We will start and end on time. There is a lot of material to cover, so be sure you arrive on time with your technology ready to go.  

I look forward to connecting with you and learning how to be a stronger, more relational man together.

Facilitated by: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, EMDR II.  Chuck has over 9 years experience participating in and leading men’s groups, experiential groups, therapy groups, wilderness groups, interpersonal process groups, ritual and rites of passage programs, and teaching college courses. Chuck is highly trained in treating trauma, mindfulness, somatic therapy, and is a member of Colorado Group Psychotherapy Society and a perpetual student of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship patterns.  

Download a printable flyer below to share with someone who could use this course.

Relationship-skills-for-menDownload

Living Bigger than Your Goals, Bigger than Yourself – Your Mission

January 1, 2016
change, community, goals, growth, mindfulness, new year, personal growth, plans, priorities, relationship, resolutions, values

A reflection on Relationship, Connection, Trust

Around the new year, I reflect on the past year and reevaluate my direction for the new year.  This year, I’m clear that I’ve made a lot of progress on my goals, and yet they are big enough that I’m still working toward them.  Sometimes it takes years or even a lifetime of revisiting and refining the same things to accomplish the things that are really important to us.  That’s what it is like to live your mission.  What is your mission?

My mission is connection.  Connection to myself, to others, to my community, and to the world as a whole.  And partly because we teach what we need to learn for ourselves and because I want to share the gifts and lessons I’ve

Taking Steps, Exposed, Vulnerable

Taking Steps, Exposed, Vulnerable

received in my life, much of the way I work with individuals, couples, and groups invites people into deeper connection with themselves, each other, and the world as well.  Your mission may be different, yet I’d bet there is something in what I’m learning about living my mission that will help you with your mission as well.  (Or if nothing else, you might find some ideas that help with your relationships.)

In recent years, I’ve learned that the two biggest things that hold me back are fear and lack of trust (which are closely related by the way).  So when I stumbled on a video of Brene Brown outlining what it really takes to trust, I ate it up.  It shined a spotlight on where I’ve been falling short in my mission and inspired me to take more responsibility for trusting and connecting – both to myself and others.  Wait, so what is trust?

Charles Feltman defines trust as this:  “Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” And his definition of distrust follows with, “what I have chosen to share with you that is important to me is not safe with you.”  Wow.  That is clear.  So , how we you trust, really?  

To learn how to trust, Brene Brown dug into her own research and research by  as well-known relationship expert John Gottman. Gottman says: trust is built in small moments over time.  Stopping what you are doing to attend to someone in need or pick up the phone to check in when you are thinking about someone and asking about specific things you know are important to them builds trust and connection.  Failure to choose connection and support when the opportunity is there is a betrayal of trust and relationship.

Another surprising finding is that asking people for help when needed helps prove trustworthiness.  It shows we won’t take on more than we can handle and we will ask for help when we do.  When we don’t do this, people won’t come to us because they don’t believe we can handle what they want to ask or share. This one was huge for me and speaks so much about honoring ourselves and our limits and boundaries.

Diving deeper into trust, we see when we trust, we are BRAVING connection.  With ourselves and with others.  Brene Brown came up with the acronym BRAVING to describe in more detail the components of trust.

B – Boundaries – When I know your boundaries, and you hold them, and you know my boundaries and respect them, there can be trust.  Without clear boundaries and respect of boundaries, there is distrust.  Boundaries create safety; safety creates trust.  Its why we build fences and walls.  So much more can be said about this, I’ll save it for a future post.

R – Reliability – There can only be trust if you do what you say you are going to do and I do what I say I’m going to do consistently over time, not just once.  How many times do we not do what we say we will do.  “It was really great seeing you.  Let’s get together again soon for lunch.”  And it never happens?  I know it’s just a saying and everyone says it, but trust is broken.  Let’s just share the awkwardness of knowing it may be a while before we meet again.  Being reliable creates trust.

A – Accountability – You are allowed to make mistakes.  I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it and make amends and you can only trust me if I am allowed to make a mistake, be honest about it, and make amends.  Being accountable creates trust.

V – Vault – What I share with you, you will hold in confidence.  What you share with me I will hold in confidence.  When we gossip about someone sharing something that is not ours to share, we think we are connecting over juicy information, but we are proving ourselves untrustworthy.  Keeping confidence creates trust.

I – Integrity – I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.  What is integrity? Doing what is right, even when nobody else is looking.  Brene’s definition is far more challenging and eloquent. “Choosing courage over comfort.  Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy.  Practicing your values, not just professing your values.”  Let’s meet each other in integrity.   Being in integrity creates trust.

N – Non-Judgement – I can fall apart, ask for help, struggle, suffer, and make mistakes without being judged by you and you will find the same with me.  Without this, we can’t be safe to ask for help and we can’t truly reciprocate it.  When we assign a value to reaching out or needing help by thinking less of the other person or judging them in any way for what they are doing or feeling it destroys trust.  Or even more importantly when we think less of ourselves for reaching out or needing help, we are consciously or unconsciously thinking less of the other person for their needing help.  You can’t have true trust if you are judging the other person, or ourselves in big or small ways.  Acceptance creates trust.

G – Generosity.  Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about me and my intentions and then check in about it if it doesn’t feel right.  I will do the same for you to help us both stay in integrity.   There is a lack of trust when we assume poor intentions and don’t check it out with the other person.  Assuming positive intentions and having unconditional positive regard creates trust.

Building trust, strengthening the weak spots, and sharing about breakdowns in trust facilitates connection.  Trust makes connection easy.

And these same principles apply to trusting and connecting with ourselves as well as trusting and connecting with someone else.  Looking at ourselves: How well do we know our own boundaries and honor them?  How often do we do what we tell ourselves we are going to do?  How good are we at admitting and forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings?  How good are we at choosing who to share with and how much is in our best interest to share?  Are we in integrity with ourselves and our value?  Can we refrain from judging and being critical of our thoughts and actions?  Do we assume that we are doing our best and had positive intentions?  By these measures, do we really trust ourselves?  Can we achieve our mission if we don’t trust ourselves?

When we become aware we are not trusting or in connection with ourselves, reflecting on these definitions can give us benchmarks.  This map shows us where our obstacles are to deeper relationship,  trust, and connection  are happening so we can name it, repair it, and ask for what we need from ourselves and from others.

To tie this all together:  Do you know your mission?  Are you living it?  In every small moment?  Can you achieve your mission alone or is it so big do you need the help and support of others?  You probably need strong relationship with yourself and others to achieve your mission. Do you have strong relationship and connection with yourself and others?  Do you trust yourself to achieve your mission?  Do you trust others to help?  If not, where are your obstacles?

Thanks for joining me on this small part of my mission.  Will you join me for more?

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

New Therapy Group for Teens

August 17, 2015
anger, anxiety, change, children, community, exercise, experience, experiential, feelings, goals, group, growth, human experience, kids, mindfulness, outdoors, personal growth, relationship, school, self esteem, therapy

 

 

 

Join us for a new first of its kind hybrid group therapy and wilderness therapy group for teenagers locally on the Front Range based out of Fort Collins, CO.  This outdoor group was created to offer the best of coaching, therapy, and wilderness adventures to adolescents without the cost and time commitment of traditional backcountry programs.

This group is open to all teens of all genders regardless of “issue” who are simply looking for personal growth by getting outside and joining in a community of peers, connecting with themselves, others, and nature. Through exploring themselves, overcoming challenges, developing new skills,  and being guided by expert facilitators our participants learn to bring the best of the lessons and experiences of the outside…. in.

For more details, click here and or contact Chuck directly at [email protected] or 970.556.4095.

Download a pdf version of the flyer to print, email, and share with someone who could benefit.

Outside--in flyer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connected, but alone?

January 14, 2014
anxiety, community, depression, human, humanness, loneliness, relationship, stress, technology

Authentic, attuned relationship is a huge focus of mine both personally and in my therapy practice.  There is a lot of research supporting the importance of relationship as a healing factor.  In this video, psychologist and sociologist Sherry Turkle who has been studying how technology changes not only what we do but who we are discusses the impact of technology on our lives.  Some highlight quotes to tempt your curiosity:

“We expect more from technology and less from each other.”

“Technology appeals to us most where we are most vulnerable.”

“We are lonely, but we are afraid of intimacy.”

“From social networks to sociable robots we are designing technologies that give us the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. We turn to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control.”

Relationships are hard, and messy, and we often don’t know what to say.  Communicating only through technology gives us time to present our best self, craft the perfect message, but we miss each other in our authenticity.  Despite being more connected than ever, I talk to more people than ever reporting feeling alone.

Watch this for a few reasons why:

click to play

Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone?

 

And then let’s talk about how to get more authentically connected to yourself and others.

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Finding The Blessing in the Newtown School Shooting Tragedy

December 15, 2012
change, community, human, human experience, relationship

My heart is hurting for the children – the children who survived the shooting who were there in the school and all the children and teachers who attend schools everyday who were exposed to this news. My heart is hurting for the parents – the parents who lost their young children, the parents who’s children were in the school when it happened, and the all the parents around the world who send their children to school everyday. All of these lives are forever impacted. Rather than focus on the pain of the tragedy, I hope we can focus on the blessing.  And it for those directly impacted, it will take time.

When someone is hurting in isolation, it is easy for us to look away thinking it is not my problem. Unfortunately, that is what has enabled this event and the increase in shootings in recent years. Many people are hurting so much in isolation without the support of community they feel they have no choice but to hurt themselves or others in an attempt to communicate or end their pain. Now many more people are dead or hurting, and there is nobody who has heard this news that is not affected by it. The blessing of this event is that it is a slap in the face reminding us of our interconnectedness. One person’s suffering is all of our problem. 
If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.
— An Aboriginal Australian woman – Aboriginal activists group, Queensland
I invite you to really feel into yourself the next time you see someone suffering in even the smallest way. You will feel their pain. Modern neuroscience is even showing how and why we feel it with mirror neurons, but we can still choose to detach with alcohol, drugs, TV, busyness, or simply rationalizing about it. It is easy to disconnect, but this shooting makes it next to impossible to not feel it. Don’t disconnect from yourself. Stay present with the suffering you see around you and do something to help. It may be tempting to avoid feeling the grief by taking action too quickly, but avoiding your grief will only prolong it and turn it into fear.
I’m glad to see so many speaking out now on treating “severe” mental illness as a result of this event, but I feel we can’t just put the blame on those people with “severe” symptoms.  These are just the people that feel our societal problems the most. They are the canaries in the coal mine. They are the ones being ostracized in the biggest way, but we all feel separate and isolated with nowhere to turn for help in our own small ways, and we can’t ignore it any longer.

With this reminder of our interconnectedness, perhaps we can now focus on helping each other. Putting more locks on schools or passing laws about gun control will do absolutely nothing if we continue to ignore each other’s suffering. We all have it. Let’s not wait until it gets extreme enough to cause any more serious harm. Don’t ignore your unhappy coworker, neighbor, cashier, classmate, or stranger. Don’t ignore your own unhappiness. Get help. Be help. Get authentically reconnected with the people you see everyday. It’s important.   

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email chuck @ innerlifeadventures.com.  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC is a National Certified Counselor and Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

The Remedy is the Experience

September 26, 2012
change, community, embodied, experience, experiential, growth, human, mindfulness, relationship

Here’s an article I wrote recently published in the fall edition of the Yoga Connection magazine.


The Remedy is the Experience
And experience is magnified in relationship


Often I hear from people, “What good is it to talk about things?” And I have to agree with that sentiment on some level. Talking about things is a good start. It helps you gain clarity and understanding about whatever it is you are facing, but it often falls short of actually creating any change. It’s the difference between reading a book on self-help and actually doing it, or reading a book on spirituality and actually practicing it.

When we engage with only the mind, we are neglecting a good portion of the rest of our system – like our body, emotions, nervous system, intuition, and what is showing up in our interactions in relationships. In this culture, I feel we have placed a premium on intellectual thought while discounting all other forms of learning and expressing, resulting in our ability to think ourselves in circles rather than actually breaking out of patterns of thought that keep us stuck. To actually change, it takes engaging your entire system possibly starting with intellectual learning, followed by experience combined with awareness to witness ourselves in our experience to fully anchor it in our being.

For example, someone I know well likes to do everything herself. Well, she may not like to, but it is much easier for her to take on super human amounts of work and do it herself rather than ask for help. Do you know anyone like this? We’ve talked about this many times over the years, she is aware of it, but there is some deep seated belief that it does no good to ask for help because it won’t be there anyhow – there’s probably no such thing as help. It’s just a myth. And even if there were, she wouldn’t want to be judged for or inconvenience someone in asking. No amount of talking about this and knowing intellectually where it may have come from has helped. It’s just another thought, competing in her mind with all the other millions of thoughts, why would she believe this one over any other?

Luckily experience came to the rescue. Recently, she was able to have the experience of being supported by multiple people in community, over a period of 10 days. So as quickly as her mind wanted to doubt it, there was another experience proving her mind wrong. Now it is not just a conversation about receiving help, but she has evidence, by many people, over a period of time constantly reinforcing the new possibility that there actually is such a thing as help, and most importantly she knows what it feels like to receive help without judgment. Now it has moved from just another thought in her mind to something that is actually real and tangible in her system because she has experience and she knows what it feels like to receive help.   

As I mentioned above, experience on its own is not enough either. If we are too busy in our head, planning our next move, evaluating, judging, worrying, or regretting, we are missing the experience.  One way to escape from this is through present moment awareness – mindfulness, but even this term is starting to feel heady to me. Instead, just getting into the heart-space of allowing, accepting, celebrating, witnessing and enjoying every moment with playful curiosity without trying to change or judge it allows us me to be more present to our experience.  Yes, that is mindfulness, but it is easier to accomplish when coming from the heart, rather than the mind and engaging with the heart gets us about 14” farther into our body.

In this same week referenced above, we had our kids present, which in the past has caused me to be on edge about what they were doing, how much noise they are making, who they are interrupting and so on. But this time we found the space to allow them to be kids, and so did all the other adults there. This was a huge lesson for me that if we can allow the kids to be fully themselves and do no wrong, what happens when we allow each other and ourselves to be like that too? Now don’t get me wrong, we are not the permissive anything goes parents, there are directions and boundaries for them clearly. The difference being we didn’t treat what they were doing as wrong when we asked them to do something else. It is subtle, but there is a definite felt difference there of allowing their being to be, and appreciating them, then redirecting behavior, rather than telling them they are wrong.

And this was a corrective experience for me: shifting from trying to control to accepting and allowing and experiencing how okay it was. So much of my life I’m worried about if I’m doing things “right” or being “acceptable” which saps my energy. Again, by being a part of a circle of people who allow my kids, and myself to just be, to make mistakes, to say the wrong thing, to look stupid, to be fully human, and still fundamentally okay, I now have that experience, which is worth at least 100,000 positive affirmations, mantras, or the like. It is a corrective experience that starts to override all the countless experiences at work, at school, with parents, and with “friends” where it wasn’t okay to simply be me. And at the same time they give us the gift of acceptance, the same circle of people can also redirect us when we get too far out of bounds just as we do with our kids.

“The next Buddha will not take the form of an individual. The next Buddha will take the form of a community; a community practicing understanding and loving kindness, a community practicing mindful living. This may be the most important thing we can do for the survival of the Earth”.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh


On the way home from this trip, I heard a kids joke: “What did the triangle say to the circle? – You’re pointless.”  And that is a good thing! Being supported in an accepting community of people holds so much power, without the sharp points that leave us wounded. 

I hear many people talking about building community these days, but I wonder if we are failing to recognize the community we already have by not fully engaging in it. How well do you know the people you work with, the people in your yoga class, the people you see at the grocery store, your neighbors, and all the others in your life? How much to you allow you to be fully you, honest, open, and vulnerable with others in your life? If we are neglecting the community all around us or holding ourselves back, we are missing out on so much support, so many reflections, so much priceless experience. 

As a sister of mine is fond of saying, “It’s all done with mirrors.” If we are alone, the mirror is colored and distorted by our own thoughts and beliefs. If we are fully engaged in honest open hearted relationship with others, we gain experiences and mirrors to see ourselves more clearly and help us get out of ourselves and actually change.

As we inhabit our body with increasing sensitivity, we learn its unspoken language and patterns, which gives us tremendous freedom to make choices. The practice of cutting thoughts and dispersing negative repetitive patterns can be simplified by attending to the patterns in the body first, before they begin to be spun around in the mind. 

– Jill Satterfield

So let’s seek out experience, actual human experience. Not just living theoretically through books or vicariously through the TV. We have an amazing sensing machine that we don’t always fully inhabit.  Engaging life fully embodied is an entirely different experience! Let’s back into our bodies and all our senses, engage with our breath, and each other fully, deeply, and lovingly to do the best we can and get the most out of our short time here. As Alan Cohen said, “You can be helping many people, but if you are not helping yourself, you have missed the one person you were born to heal.”  And that comes through human experience.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.