chuck@innerlifeadventures.com | Inner Life Adventures

24Jul2014

8 Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy

July 24, 2014

change, feelings, goals, growth, human experience, personal growth, relationship, therapy

With so many “healers,” coaches, counselors, psychotherapists, and psychologists out there practicing thousands of methods, there are many misconceptions about what therapy is and isn’t. I can’t dispel all the myths, but here are a few things I’d like you to know.

1. People who go to therapy are not crazy. You are not crazy.

We all have challenges and unique ways of approaching them. Most people feel like they are unique and nobody has ever had the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that they have. Guess what? We are all human. There is nothing inherently bad, embarrassing, or shameful about anything you are thinking or experiencing. Most of us only feel this way because we don’t take the risk to be vulnerable and share the details of our inner worlds with others. You can be assured, no matter what you are facing, it may be challenging, you may be coping in ineffective ways, but you are not crazy.

2. Relationship is everything.

There are literally thousands of theories and techniques for doing therapy. You know what the one thing is that research shows will be a predictor of a successful outcome? Relationship. The level of trust and safety you feel with your therapist is the best predictor of success. If you don’t feel able to explore the deeper levels of truth first with yourself and also with your therapist, it will be really hard to make lasting changes. Trust and relationship take time to build, really. It can’t be rushed. It is the most important thing we will do. Nobody exists outside of some sort of relationship, and most of us have limited or no access to a truly supportive, deeply caring, and profoundly accepting relationship like can be developed here.

3. I’m not here to give you advice.

You will probably want it at some point, but I am not the expert in you or your life. You are. My job is to help you gain more trust and confidence in your own ability to lead your own life. I will gladly offer reflections of what you are saying, what it seems like you are saying that you are not aware of, and questions to help you get more clear, but your life is yours to live.

4. My job is not to psychoanalyze you.

See above. A good therapist will not claim to have all the answers. I certainly don’t. We are humans just like you. You are the expert in you. My job is to help you peel back the layers to become even more intimate with yourself, so that you know and feel that you are indeed the only one who can be the expert in you. And you are the only one that can make the changes in your life. My job is to be curious as we explore the unknown together, and maybe I can guide a little and empower you to continue with your own self-leadership.

5. All emotions are welcome. Especially anger.

Most of us have a challenged relationship with our emotions. Either we don’t feel or acknowledge them at all or we are totally ruled by them. Neither is helpful. Emotions serve a purpose: they repel us from things that aren’t good for us and bring us closer to things that are. Ignoring the wisdom of your emotions results in poor decision making and disconnection from yourself. And yet if your emotions are controlling you, you probably could use some balance by engaging your thoughts and rational mind more. The point is, therapy provides a safe and welcoming space where all your emotions are welcome, valid, and supported, even the ones that get a bad reputation such as anger. Emotions are an important part of being human.

6. You will probably backslide to old behavior patterns and I won’t judge you.

Most of us have been engaged in habitual thinking and automatic behaviors for a long time. There is a saying in neuroscience that says, “neurons that fire together wire together.” The longer you have a habitual way of thinking or behaving, the more that pattern gets imprinted in our brain. Our old patterns are kind of like the most popular hiking trails near town – they are well-trodden and easy to find. But when you try to make changes to your thinking and behaving, it is like starting a new trail by simply veering off the main trail. It takes many times walking the new path to wear it in, and even then it is still faint. It is much easier, safer, and more comfortable to stay on the familiar trail. It takes much more effort and intention to forge a new trail, but with time, it will also be easy for you to find and then you will have a choice of which path to take. Relapse is part of the change process, it is not failure. This is another reason it helps to have a guide who knows the terrain.

7. You deserve to be happy and only you are in control of that. I want to support you in having the life you want.

This is a complicated topic, but I want you to know that you only have one life and you deserve to enjoy it. Even if the changes you want to make seem huge and there are a lot of factors that seem in your way – relationships, finances, family, job, education, and more, there are ways to be happy in any circumstance, and there are ways to move toward something better for you. It’s worth it.

8. Therapy is weird. And special. And priceless. And takes courage.

Before people come to therapy, they usually try almost everything they can think of to do it on their own. Some approaches are helpful, others are not. People come to therapy for all kinds of different reasons. Therapy can help with many mental, emotional, and relational challenges – and even some physical (somatic) symptoms. But it can be hard to meet with someone who is a total stranger at first and talk about the most vulnerable and personal things that we sometimes don’t even want to share with our closest friends or family. And that is part of what makes it special and priceless. For most of us, we can’t find any other relationship like this where it is safe to talk about anything, and have it met with 100% acceptance, no judgment, and even some gentle support on how to do things differently.

Our automatic habitual thoughts and behaviors are mostly unconscious. Without outside input, it is likely we will stay stuck doing and thinking the same thing. When you are ready for a trained guide to take you out of the familiar and into a new life, we’ll be here. See you then.

~chuck

Edit: Right after publishing this, I came across this post written from a therapy client. Great insights from an experienced client’s perspective.

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected]. Want to meet? Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

30Apr2014

Field Guide to Exploring Yourself

April 30, 2014

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Uncategorized

With Somatic Psychotherapy

“The body has experience, the mind interprets experience, the environment stimulates experience.” ~Ron Kurtz

Hierarchy of Experience – Exploring the Mind-Body Connection

In our lives, most of us get locked in to one channel – thoughts and language. However, when we want to break out of what we know, and what we have always been doing, it is helpful to move into the realm of the unconscious. To do that, we have to engage with other channels to gather new information. I love working with clients who have tried therapy with other therapists that engage only in talk and leave thinking therapy doesn’t work, but are still motivated to create change in their lives. If you are ready to move beyond talk into deeper experience, here are some more paths to explore.

In a simplified representation of the brain, we can see other parts of the brain hold information and patterns that are also beneficial to access in therapy.

Reptilian Brain – Brain Stem and lower brain components – basic survival and life support functions like breathing, heart rate, digestion, movement, fight/flight/freeze response. Many shared structures with reptiles and animals.
Animal Brain – Midbrain – Limbic system/emotional/relational systems. Passes and filters information between body/sensory information, brain stem, and rational thinking brain.
Human Brain – Cerebral Cortex – especially Frontal Lobe. Top and most recent area of our brain to evolve. What makes us humans unique. Responsible for thought, language, meaning, logic, sequencing, right/wrong.

Standard talk or cognitive behavioral therapy only engages with the conscious, primarily the frontal lobe. This is effective in some cases, but not all information is accessible through logic and words. Engaging with other information sources we access other parts of the brain, which gives us access to deeper patterns, memories, and unconscious material.

The main channels we explore in somatic psychotherapy are:

Thoughts – words, narrative, internal dialog, automatic voices, etc. Information comes from the frontal lobes and left hemisphere primarily.

Tensions/Impulses – Places our body is tight, holding, posture, desires to move in some way that are inhibited. Information comes from basal ganglia, and hypothalamus.

Sensations in the Body – Can take many forms. Pain, sore, tender, energetic, shapes, temperatures, colors, walls, etc. Information comes from limbic system.

Emotions – Sadness, joy, anger, fear, etc. Information comes from limbic system, especially amygdala.

Memories – Past events which shape our beliefs and learning. Information from hippocampus, amygdala, cortex, and other sensory centers (visual, auditory, olfactory, movement, sensation, etc.)

Meaning – The lessons you learned from memories and experiences and what is important about it.

Core Beliefs – Patterns and rules we develop implicitly and explicitly about our world which guide present behavior and experience. Information comes from many parts, especially limbic system, needs to be reconnected with cerebral cortex to bring awareness and choice.

By studying and gathering information in all of these layers, we can gain access to the deeper patterns that lay outside of our conscious awareness which we miss only engaging in talk. Then we start to become more aware of:

Strategies – How we organize (mostly unconsciously) our behavior, relationships, thoughts, expression, inhibitions, and more. Often a result of attempts to get our needs met, despite having the experiences, rules, and beliefs we do.

Healing Relationship

We explore these sources of information and experience in the context of relationship. We can gather some of this information on our own, but we need an environment and human relationship to stir the pot. If we are limited to only self-exploration, we are staying within the system and existing patterns. Having a human relationship helps us explore the places we wouldn’t normally go on our own. And even more importantly, provides a non-judgmental, kind, loving, accepting relationship to help us heal the tender and sensitive parts of us. And having this experience helps teach us how to have a more kind, non-judgmental, loving, accepting relationship with ourselves.

My goal is to help people reconnect first to themselves; to their own heart, mind, and body. Then reconnect to people in their lives. Then eventually reconnect to the larger world in all of its complex systems in a more healthy way. When people can feel what real connection feels like, then they can bring that connection back to their families and friends. Once people have felt true connection, they don’t want to settle for anything less. When we restore connection, we restore hope.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is simply awareness of present moment experiences with an attitude of acceptance, curiosity, and the ability to stay without needing anything to change. The ability to stay with discomfort, witness it, and learn from it. Mindfulness in therapy serves us in several ways. Primarily, it helps us to lower the noise inside and become more sensitive to what our systems are already communicating. Just as important, is the ability to witness, not identify with the patterns, thoughts, emotions, and sensations we see. Mindfulness expands the container. We are not our patterns, but it feels like that when we don’t have the big picture view that comes with mindfulness.

Mindfulness in psychotherapy is NOT to help us relax and feel better, to fix things, to make anything go away. This is often a side-effect that happens over time, but seeking to relax and feel better immediately can result in building new walls and closing down to important information. Our goal is to open to what is there, work with it, learn from it, heal it, and transform our relationship to it so that it is not running the show unconsciously anymore.

Sensitivity Cycle – A process map

One of the maps I use to help guide people through growth and change is the Sensitivity Cycle. It helps us to understand what is missing, and what needs to happen next. It is called the Sensitivity Cycle, because following it through once completes one cycle of change. Following it through many iterations leads to deeper self-knowledge and increasing sensitivity to ones patterns.

First we need information/insight. What is this? Why is it important? Where does it show up? (It is important to not this is the first step – not the last or only step.)
Next we need to be able to take action based on that information. We need an experience. Knowing this, how do I respond well? How do I cope, express, master?
Next we need to be able to be satisfied with our action. How do I be content, nourished, accepting, fulfilled?
Finally we need to be able to relax and feel complete. Can I rest, trust, integrate, be at peace?

This process is actually a circle, or spiral. It repeats, indefinitely through many layers as the relationship deepens. We can experience this cycle in many micro and macro levels, but when we look closely, we see we often get stuck at one point in the cycle. But when we can move through all of these steps well, we spiral into deeper knowledge and long lasting changes of our patterns.

~chuck

14Jan2014

Connected, but alone?

January 14, 2014

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anxiety, community, depression, human, humanness, loneliness, relationship, stress, technology

Authentic, attuned relationship is a huge focus of mine both personally and in my therapy practice. There is a lot of research supporting the importance of relationship as a healing factor. In this video, psychologist and sociologist Sherry Turkle who has been studying how technology changes not only what we do but who we are discusses the impact of technology on our lives. Some highlight quotes to tempt your curiosity:

“We expect more from technology and less from each other.”

“Technology appeals to us most where we are most vulnerable.”

“We are lonely, but we are afraid of intimacy.”

“From social networks to sociable robots we are designing technologies that give us the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. We turn to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control.”

Relationships are hard, and messy, and we often don’t know what to say. Communicating only through technology gives us time to present our best self, craft the perfect message, but we miss each other in our authenticity. Despite being more connected than ever, I talk to more people than ever reporting feeling alone.

Watch this for a few reasons why:

Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone?

And then let’s talk about how to get more authentically connected to yourself and others.

22Aug2013

First Day of Kindergarten

August 22, 2013

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children, feelings, human, human experience, humanness, kids, mindfulness, personal growth, school, therapy

Starting (Continuing) School – For kids big and small

I just left my son after spending the first hour of his public education experience with him. I was surprised to feel the immense emotions and tears that came flooding in as soon as I left him. When I was there, I was the rock. I was solid, reassuring, gently guiding and encouraging, acquainting him with the room, teacher, and other kids he’ll be spending over 1,000 hours of his life in. But not a cold heartless, detached rock. I could feel him deeply – his simultaneous apprehension and strength in being immersed in his new environment. Hearing all the advice handed down to me from other parents, I started to dismiss everything I felt as “normal” or just part of it, but as soon as I walked away, it hit me.

The teacher is good, kind, professional. She invited him and the other students to choose their own dot to sit on for whatever was next. I gave him one last hug and kiss for the day and he went over to join the other kids, but in his own way, at the far edge of the mat. Looking a little sad, a little scared, then – a little angry? It shocked me. I didn’t see it coming. But again, I dismissed it as “normal,” just part of the experience.

I’m tempted to just ignore it, pick up my smartphone, post only the sweet happy picture, move on with my

day and ignore these feelings. I could just call this “normal” and move on. But as I sit with these feelings, not avoiding but feeling fully and exploring with curiosity, they talk to me.

I realize that today marks the first real day of his experience in the “system” – the overburdened under-resourced system in charge of taking care of and educating our kids. The system that despite the level of skill, training, and care of the teacher, cannot possibly provide the same level of understanding, knowing, and individual connection that a sensitive child needs to feel safe and thrive.

I saw today how much like me my son is, and there are so many parts of me I wish he didn’t have to inherit. He is strong and capable of doing what is asked of him, but it comes with a cost. The cost of ignoring his feelings and his truth. The cost of ignoring and overriding what we really feel to “fit in.” The cost of separating a little more from our self.

As I dig deeper I feel into the parts of me that have been so wounded in school. Feeling shy, awkward, not fitting in, afraid to introduce myself to new people, wanting to play and have fun, but being unable to due to all the things I feel. I feel into the parts of me that know what I want, and feel it is not available there. As I feel in deeper I touch the places in me that were made fun of by other kids, the parts of me that felt like I don’t belong, the part of me that was made to feel bad by teachers when I spoke up for myself, and the parts that felt stupid, awkward, nerdy, out of place. Maybe it was just projection, but it felt as if I could see and feel all of those things in him. I felt like I had cursed him to relive all of the hard things I experienced in school.

In the moments before I left, we went out to get his water bottle from his back pack. He said he wasn’t really thirsty, but hungry. I told him it wasn’t time to eat now, that he would have to wait a bit. I felt him sink. It wasn’t the school or the teacher who committed the first act of violence, it was me. I was the one who took him there and I was the one asking him to ignore his needs to fit in with the system and obey the schedule.

I could go on and on about countless transgressions throughout my school experience that shaped how I show up in the world, but I don’t want to sound like a drama queen. You may think I’m blowing it out of proportion. (Heck, there is certainly a part of me that does.) Besides, what’s the big deal, I got over it. I found ways to make friends, develop coping strategies (some healthy, some not), and be successful. I made it out ok. Today I’m fine (mostly). But these experiences matter. They shape us – and don’t want to ignore these things so often brushed off and not spoken of.

Before I started really looking into myself with the lens of mindfulness, therapy, and personal growth I dismissed these things I felt and told myself they were no big deal and I was being too sensitive, dramatic, or even worse names I won’t repeat here. Of course I drank a lot from age 16-30+, and was unhappy, but hey, that’s what everyone else does too, right? But I’m sharing these words because they are my truth. And I’m sharing now, because I didn’t have the awareness, words, or people who would listen then.

I’m feeling tremendous grief. For all my past hurts, for all the ways I was rejected by others and the ways I rejected myself. I’m feeling tremendous sadness for introducing my son to the beginning of this system that has the potential to cause him so much suffering. But my point is not to dwell in the pain and sorrow, but to give words to and acknowledge it, as part of the experience of living in our world today. But my question is, “Is it necessary?”

So many parents feel mixed emotions on this day, and this is my attempt to name some of them specifically, at least from my experience. But my wish is not to dwell on the hurts of the past (mine) and the future (my son’s), but to acknowledge they exist and move on with a wish for something different for our children. I hope to give voice to those children that may look like nothing is wrong on the outside, but have been deeply impacted. And to forgive myself for my role in bringing my child there and dealing the first blow. I know that no matter how much I have tried to prepare him to do things in a better way than I did, he still has to have his own life and his own experience. And I hope that I can trust that when things are hard for him.

My wish is that the children, their needs, and their feelings are honored, even and especially if they are inconvenient to the adults. I hope and pray that they have the support they need to help them through the hard times, and that with the guidance of attuned parents, teachers, neighbors, friends, and family members they are able to have and remember more moments of joy, play, love, curiosity, innocence, and excitement about life. That our differences and awkwardness are treasured rather than made fun of. That our children are able to live lives that are better than we did, and we are the ones that empower and help create this for them. That children can learn to value and trust themselves, even when it is in opposition to others, especially those in authority. But not that they are reckless anarchists, rather they learn civility and respect of all people, especially those that are different than them and in opposition to them. My wish is that our children are given the love and support they need to not have to struggle, but to feel safe, welcome, and empowered to thrive in this world bringing their unique gifts and talents fully to the world. That they never have to question it, they can just be it.

I don’t know exactly how, but I know it starts with listening to the children, valuing them, valuing their feelings, treating them as equals rather than lower than us. By helping them rather than punishing them when they are feeling scared, angry, or in any way overwhelmed. By creating an environment where children can really be known, not just told what to do. It is harder, it takes more time and resources than we currently give them, and requires a radical paradigm shift, but don’t you think our children are worth it?

On this day, the first day of school, I hope are able to change ourselves and our systems to really (not just in a cheesy mission statement kind of way), but really truly authentically support, empower, and get out of the way, so our children can lead and create a better world, for all of us.

~chuck

24May2013

Mindfulness on the Move

May 24, 2013

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mindfulness, outdoors, stress reduction

Any time you are walking from car (or better yet – bike) to building or vice-versa, take a break from your mental to-do list. Pause. Take a full and deep breath. Engage your senses.

What does the ground feel like under your feet?

Photo by Seth Sawyers

What part of your feet hits the ground first?

How do you feel in your body? What parts are stiff? What parts feel more relaxed?
What does the air feel like? Is it dry or moist?
What does the sun feel like on your skin?
What do you hear?
What do you smell?
What do you see around you?

Take at least a short moment each day to connect with the natural world to slow down and ground before rushing off into your day. You have at least four opportunities to practice and reconnect with yourself and the world around you every day!
~chuck

9May2013

You are Good Enough

May 9, 2013

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change, depression, goals, motivation, self esteem, worth

It is a trap – feeling good enough. So many people I know, myself included, have a complicated relationship with feeling good enough. It is a constant desire to improve, to be better, to do more, and accomplish more. We think this is a good thing – who doesn’t want to improve, be better, and accomplish more? So not

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt

feeling good enough is helpful to a point that it can provide motivation to grow and improve.

However so many of us fall prey to the dark side where it leads us to not feeling good, period. Not feeling like where we are and what we are doing right now is good enough can lead to dissatisfaction, disappointment, sadness, and eventually depression. Obviously, when we believe we are not good enough in this way it brings us down rather than motivates us. It saps us of our energy robbing us of our drive and ambition.

When confronted with this paradox, most of us put up a fight. We don’t want to let go of the feeling that we are not good enough and accept that we are actually good enough. We fear that we will stop striving for more if we let ourselves feel good enough as we are. We ignore how much the belief that we are not good enough is limiting us – causing us suffering because we are stuck, and we think telling ourselves we are not good enough will provide the motivation to become unstuck through our striving to be good enough. But by feeling not good enough we don’t have the energy to move.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with wanting to grow, improve, and be a better person. That is what I attempt to help people do every day. So yes, take the time to define who you want to be and how you want to improve. Define the person you see yourself when you are living life fully and feeling good about it. It gives us goals to strive for. And we have more ability to reach our goals if we aren’t beating ourselves up about not being there now. The feeling “I want to be…” is only helpful as long as “I am good enough just as I am” is also equally true.

~chuck

4Feb2013

Give Yourself the Gift of a Few Minutes

February 4, 2013

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busy, change, meditation, mindfulness, priorities, relaxation, stress, values

This morning, as I was rushing my kids to school and thinking of all the things I have to do this week, I was both excited about it all and starting to feel a little burdened with all the to-do items. So when I got to my office, I did what any responsible person with an overfull plate would do: I took a few minutes to do nothing!

At first, I thought I would just take a few breaths, but the weight of the week was still creeping in. So I set my meditation timer for 6 minutes, and just let myself really enjoy the not doing. Each time a new thought of something to do came in, just reminded myself I don’t have to do that right now, and got back to enjoying the not doing.

Feeling refreshed, grounded, and ready, I hopped up and added to my to-do list by writing this to share it with you!

It really helps to give yourself a short break. It helps even more to set a timer so your mind doesn’t have to worry about when it is time to get up. If you are new to doing any sort of focusing or meditation, the simple practice I recommend the most and use myself the most is this:

Find someplace you can sit comfortably without having to move or be disturbed.
Set your timer for 2-5 minutes, or whatever short amount of time you are willing to give to yourself in this moment.
Start the timer.
Pay attention to your breath without trying to change or control it. Either pay attention to the air moving in and out of your nose or the sensation of your belly rising and falling, whichever is easier.
Anytime you find yourself having the urge to think about something or get up and do something, gently remind yourself you can do it in a few minutes, right now you are just sitting.

There is no goal. You don’t win a gold star if you have no thoughts during this time. You are also not trying to achieve any sort of relaxation. Just simply give yourself the break of focusing on your breath for a few minutes.
Being gentle with yourself is the most important thing.

When your timer rings, simply take one more big inhale fully filling your belly and chest and let the breath exhale naturally without effort.

You can use any timer you have handy for this exercise. If you are in front of a computer or have a smart phone, here are a couple free options that have a nice bell sound.

Any computer: http://www.onlinemeditationtimer.com/
Android

Now you are ready to go about your busyness – without getting overwhelmed by it. Have a great day!

~chuck

1Jan2013

Breaking Trail

January 1, 2013

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change, growth, mindfulness, outdoors, resolutions

A few weeks ago, I discovered yet another new favorite outdoor activity that shapes my mind and body while keeping me healthy – trail running in the snow. It may sound silly to some of you who have been doing this for years, but for me just trying this new activity took overcoming lots of negative self talk. “It’s too cold.” “You can’t see the trail.” “You’ll trip and fall on a rock you can’t see.” “It’s too slippery – you will sprain your ankle again.” “Your shoes are too old and don’t have the right traction.” “You’ll slip off the trail and plummet down the side of the mountain.” Enough already! While there is truth to many of those statements, after a few days of letting my mind and my fears keep me caged up inside, I told myself, “just try it one step at a time.” If it gets too tough, you can always stop and walk or go back home.

So I set out. Slowly and timidly at first. Climbing up the first big hill, I had more traction than I expected, but my legs and lungs were protesting and I wanted to go sit back on the couch. I kept going, but allowing myself to walk a little on the steepest parts.

Eventually I get to a choice point. I can keep heading up the steep service road or I can take a trail off to the left or another off to the right. I originally thought I would go on the trail to the left, because it is one I have been on less, is a little less steep, and has great views. But nobody has been on it since it snowed and I didn’t think I could find the trail and some of the same excuses as above came rushing back into my mind. The trail to the right I’ve been on dozens of times, and it had some footprints so I assume someone else has been there, I’ll be able to find the trail, and it will be slightly packed down for me. I chose the trail to the right because it seemed safer and I told myself I’d just go a little ways and turn around before the steep parts.

Stepping off the service road, the snow is deeper and more slippery now, but still doable. I’m having fun with the twists and turns and my footing is sure enough. I’m not on the trail more than an eighth of a mile or so when I come upon an older couple who are hiking with trekking poles. We exchange a few words about the beauty of the snowy hills and I pass them, quickly realizing they were the ones breaking trail for me. I make a joke about it, thank them, then quickly realize I’m right back where I started on the unbroken trail that I avoided the first time.

Now my ego kicks in – well, don’t turn around now, you’ll look like a fool and a wuss to that couple. But my mind is also replaying all of my original fears for the third time. So my ego and my fears are wrestling while my higher, calmer, more centered self says, just keep going, one step at a time. You can turn around if you need to later. And I plod on.

I can’t really tell where the trail is, but I keep going choose the best possible places to put my feet. Sometimes I step and sink deeply, sometimes my steps are shallow, sometimes my foot slides out from underneath me activating all the other parts of my body to move quickly and compensate to recover my balance and keep from face planting in the snow. Slightly scary, but fun!

Before I know it, I’ve gone much farther than I planned and I’m at the first steep technical hill. I continue with my mantra, just try it, one step at a time. And my feet find enough traction. They find roots and rocks hidden under the snow providing me with enough support to keep heading up. Those same obstacles I was afraid would trip me up end up helping me. I make it up the hill, lungs screaming, adrenaline pumping, and a smile on my face.

I continue on running the entire trail. Never knowing exactly where the trail is or if I’m on it, but just choosing the best possible next step. Lifting my feet up high and splashing them back down in the fluffy powder. Enjoying the simultaneous excitement and fear of breaking trail, negotiating the unknown with every step.

Eventually I get to the intersection with another trail where I turn to start heading back down the mountain. The same fears come up yet a fourth time – now I’m heading down and surely gravity will cause me to go too fast and slip and fall. But I’m practiced now with appeasing these thoughts. Actually what I find is the deep fluffy powder makes a nice cushion and catches my foot and I am going just about as fast as I do on a dry day. And of course, some sections that are too steep I do have to slow down and walk carefully. But the snow adds greatly to the beauty in addition to the challenge.

I notice how many animal tracks there are around. I laugh as my tracks seem so big and clumsy compared to theirs. Sometimes they share the human created trail with me, sometimes they take a much more efficient and graceful route down the mountain that we can’t. But I smile noticing how our tracks keep weaving in and out of each others feeling like I’m playing with them in some sort of chase outside of time.

When I finally make it down the mountain and rejoin the trails in the valley, I notice the low trails are well traveled. The snow is packed down like a concrete sidewalk. There are bike tracks, ski tracks, boot tracks, and dog tracks all scrambled together. At first I felt relieved that I wouldn’t need to worry so much about breaking trail and constantly not knowing how my next step will land, but actually I noticed it wasn’t as enjoyable. The packed snow is more jarring on my body. The run becomes more monotonous. There are no decisions to make. Everyone has been here. There is less risk, but much less reward.

I challenge myself to look deeper. Not having to focus so much on every step, I have more time to look up and enjoy my surroundings. The beauty of it all. The luxury of having my path laid out before me. The comfort I feel with knowing where the trail goes. The lower well traveled trails have their benefits too.

As I finish out the run and make my way back home, I reflect on how scared I was to even get off the couch. How scared I was not knowing what each step would be like. How my mind wanted to keep me afraid with the same tired arguments even as my comfort grew with experience. But even though I was scared to the point of not even trying at first, once I got the experience of breaking trail, the routine safer route was less satisfying. However bringing more mindful attention to even the routine well traveled sections showed me the infinite gifts that lay there too.

I’ve been back and run the same route a few times since this first journey and it certainly continues to teach me. How each section is different than the time before depending on my mental state. How it is easier to lose attention now that the trail has been broken. I may not have to decide on every step, but I also slipped even more when I let my attention wander. The choices may not be as obvious, but I still have choices to make every step of the way. And finally one of the most remarkable things I noticed was that every person who was on that trail after me followed in my footsteps exactly. Even when looking back there were different routes to take that might have been better.

So what does it all mean? I’ll leave that for you to discover. But like me, you do have to overcome the initial fears to get off the couch and have your own experience to learn from. My simple wish for you is that you find your own trail to break, your own ways of overcoming that voice in your head that tries to hold you back, and your own way of bringing mindful attention to the routine. May you harvest the gifts that lay in all of your journey, every step of the way.

~chuck

29Dec2012

Planning Your Route

December 29, 2012

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change, exercise, goals, growth, mindfulness, new year, plans, priorities, resolutions, values

Setting Positive Intentions to Transition Into 2013

Over the past couple weeks, I have thankfully had more time on my hands. I have been using this time to stay home, be with family, reflect on the intentions I set for 2012, and acknowledge everything that happened and what I’m still working towards. One thing I know for sure is that if we don’t take the time to reflect and set our road map for next year, we have no guidance and no way of knowing if we are on track with what we want with our lives. So I wanted to take a few moments to share a little bit of the process I use with you to use to develop your own map.

First, these ain’t no “I want to lose 10 pounds” kind of resolutions. We don’t want to put all our attention into what we don’t want and focus on the negative. Instead, we are going to focus on more of what we do want. When we fill our lives with the things we do want, there is less room for the negative things we don’t want. To do that, it helps to start with taking stock of what we do have. It helps to start with reviewing your intentions from last year, but if you didn’t set any, you can review the year month by month with the key events and look for the blessing and the good things that came out of them.

Once you have reviewed your progress and acknowledged your gifts for the year, you are ready to clean your mental state to prepare for next year. Find some time where you can be alone and uninterrupted. Take out a blank sheet of unlined paper or you use the template I created for you and grab a pen or some colored markers or pencils. You will do this in two stages, first looking at the internal then the external. You will ask yourself some questions, then sit quietly, then jot down some intentions.

First, ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be?” “What do I want to give to the world?” “What qualities do I want to grow and develop?” “What qualities do I want to have more of next year?”
Now close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
In the center of your page or in the center circle if you are using the worksheet, write some words that represents these qualities of you that you want to grow and develop next year. Some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
Next, you will look at more external things you want to call in and have more of in your life. Ask yourself, “What do I want more of in my life next year? “What will make life more enjoyable?” “What do I want to spend my time doing?” “Who do I want to spend my time with?” “What will make life more meaningful and fulfilling?”
Again, close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
Now, surrounding the center circle containing the things you put on your page earlier, write some words that represent what you want to have more of next year. Again, some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
The last step is to connect the dots. We can make movement toward our goals easiest when we take small steps. Too big, and our fear gets the best of us and we don’t move at all. So connect the dots with 1-2 small actions you can (and will) take to move toward the things you want more of in your life. If you are not taking the step, it is too big. Make it smaller until you have something you actually can and will do.
When you have it all complete, step back from your page and look at it from a distance. Does this represent what you want for next year? What will it be like when you have it? Is there anything missing? If so, feel free to go back and add a couple things, but don’t get to carried away. Keep it simple.

This process can take days or it can take 30 minutes. For me, it is usually a combination of both. I start asking myself the questions days in advance and then sit and do the exercise above at one time. The more time and space you can give yourself to do this the better, but as always, find what works for you.

Once you are done, either put this paper in a place where you can see it daily like your bathroom mirror or refrigerator or you can put it in a special place where you will make a point to revisit it 2-4 times next year. At the very least, now you will have some direction to check back in with next year to see if you are on track with what you want in your life, or you are getting distracted and lost. When you check back in throughout the year, you can simply ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing getting me closer to these guideposts or farther away?” Redirect and adjust as necessary Chances are, just by taking the time to do this, it will be like setting your compass bearing and you will end up closer to your target than if you never defined your waypoints to start with.

This process helps you define your map so you know which direction you are heading, but remember, most worthwhile journeys have obstacles, detours, and changes of plans. Most significant changes take time, so it is important to keep your steps small enough to take and acknowledge the progress you are making.

If you use this process, I’d love to hear how it goes for you. Feel free to send me an email with any thoughts, comments, or feedback. Best wishes for an exciting and abundant new year! I hope it is the best year ever!

~chuck

15Dec2012

Finding The Blessing in the Newtown School Shooting Tragedy

December 15, 2012

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change, community, human, human experience, relationship

My heart is hurting for the children – the children who survived the shooting who were there in the school and all the children and teachers who attend schools everyday who were exposed to this news. My heart is hurting for the parents – the parents who lost their young children, the parents who’s children were in the school when it happened, and the all the parents around the world who send their children to school everyday. All of these lives are forever impacted. Rather than focus on the pain of the tragedy, I hope we can focus on the blessing. And it for those directly impacted, it will take time.

When someone is hurting in isolation, it is easy for us to look away thinking it is not my problem. Unfortunately, that is what has enabled this event and the increase in shootings in recent years. Many people are hurting so much in isolation without the support of community they feel they have no choice but to hurt themselves or others in an attempt to communicate or end their pain. Now many more people are dead or hurting, and there is nobody who has heard this news that is not affected by it. The blessing of this event is that it is a slap in the face reminding us of our interconnectedness. One person’s suffering is all of our problem.

If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.

— An Aboriginal Australian woman – Aboriginal activists group, Queensland

I invite you to really feel into yourself the next time you see someone suffering in even the smallest way. You will feel their pain. Modern neuroscience is even showing how and why we feel it with mirror neurons, but we can still choose to detach with alcohol, drugs, TV, busyness, or simply rationalizing about it. It is easy to disconnect, but this shooting makes it next to impossible to not feel it. Don’t disconnect from yourself. Stay present with the suffering you see around you and do something to help. It may be tempting to avoid feeling the grief by taking action too quickly, but avoiding your grief will only prolong it and turn it into fear.

I’m glad to see so many speaking out now on treating “severe” mental illness as a result of this event, but I feel we can’t just put the blame on those people with “severe” symptoms. These are just the people that feel our societal problems the most. They are the canaries in the coal mine. They are the ones being ostracized in the biggest way, but we all feel separate and isolated with nowhere to turn for help in our own small ways, and we can’t ignore it any longer.

With this reminder of our interconnectedness, perhaps we can now focus on helping each other. Putting more locks on schools or passing laws about gun control will do absolutely nothing if we continue to ignore each other’s suffering. We all have it. Let’s not wait until it gets extreme enough to cause any more serious harm. Don’t ignore your unhappy coworker, neighbor, cashier, classmate, or stranger. Don’t ignore your own unhappiness. Get help. Be help. Get authentically reconnected with the people you see everyday. It’s important.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email chuck @ innerlifeadventures.com. Want to meet? Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC is a National Certified Counselor and Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

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