Introducing Depth Psychotherapy Learning Community for Professionals

May 20, 2023
growth, personal growth

Mark your calendars and register soon for a new offering for professionals.  We are forming a depth-oriented learning community next fall to continue growing to better serve our community.  We believe the best therapists never stop reflecting on themselves and their work through their own therapy and continued growth process, no matter how long they have been practicing.  Come join our learning community to continue your growth from a holistic depth oriented frame that includes many different modalities.

Depth Psychotherapy Learning Community Flyer

More details and instructions to register

Emotions and Feelings 101 (and maybe 102)

March 22, 2023
anger, anxiety, depression, feelings, relationship, self awareness, shame, trauma

Emotions, feelings, moods, all the same thing.  Right?  Not at all.  And understanding our feelings is so foundational to understanding ourselves and being able to heal in therapy I thought it would be helpful to put together this quick guide to share with clients to help you gain more understanding of your own human system.  There’s much more detail to all of this, but hopefully, this guide will help get the gist of what is happening inside you.

 

Our brains have evolved over thousands of years.  Some parts of our brains we share with reptiles, some with other mammals, and some are unique to humans alone.  Generally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are the most basic and most similar to reptiles.  As you move upward, your brain gets more sophisticated.  The lower parts of our brains are designed to keep us alive.  The upper parts help us connect with others, communicate, understand, and make meaning of life.  These are the parts that make us different from other animals.  But we also need to understand how the lower parts of our brain affect us too!

From: http://erikmessamore.com/what-is-emotion-regulation-and-how-do-we-do-it/

 

Emotionally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are responsible for instinctual survival functions in the face of a threat.  These are all actions that usually happen without our consciousness involved because the impulsive instinctual brain is faster than our cognitive brain.

 

Fight – get stronger and attack the threat

Flight – get away from the threat

Freeze – don’t move, play dead, so hopefully, the threat will go away

Fawn – act pleasing, innocent, harmless, and endearing so the threat doesn’t see you as a threat to avoid the conflict


Where our lower brains are not so smart is that in modern-day, the threat isn’t usually a tiger or assailant but could be a look from someone, a social media post, a raised voice from a friend or family member, an insult, or any number of things that raise our hackles in big or small ways.  Our brains sometimes respond in one of the above survival ways when our survival isn’t being threatened at all, especially if we have had past exposure to traumatic events.  

 

These four survival emotions get a little more sophisticated as we move to the mid-brain and with a little more awareness, they get shaped into the basic emotions that all humans in all cultures experience.  These emotions exist to help us relate to other people.  Different researchers have categorized them differently, but I like to use the five basic emotions that mostly rhyme to help people remember them.  MAD, SAD, AFRAD (afraid), GLAD, SHAME/GUILT.  Shame and guilt feel similar, but are two different things. Shame means I’m bad (unhealthy), guilt means I did something bad (healthy) to help us have remorse and repair.  

 

Notice most of these are what most people call “negative” feelings and only one is “positive.”  I think we evolved like this for a reason, to help us avoid doing things that cause us or people we care about harm.  But unfortunately, it leads to a negativity bias in our brains and a positivity bias in our external relationships trying to balance out the scales.  In reality, we need all of these feelings so there is no such thing as a positive or negative feeling.  They are all helpful information to help us understand our inner and external worlds.

 

If you can get a solid grasp of being able to feel and identify when you are feeling the 5 basic emotions, you have most of what you need to be an emotionally intelligent human being.  Being able to communicate emotions with others helps us to relate and connect with others, to understand and be understood, and to be able to give and receive support.  I consider this to be a foundational human skill.  As our relationships get more complex and we get better at communicating, we have need for more precise emotional words, so psychologists have invented various versions of the emotion wheel to show how these basic emotions get more nuanced.  

 

Some of these feelings can overlap, and we can feel multiple emotions at the same time.  So don’t misunderstand the wheel to be the ultimate truth.  See if you can find your own language for your own expression of your emotions.

Emotion Wheel

From: https://practicalpie.com/the-emotion-wheel/

 

As you can see, our feelings can go from quite simplistic and primal survival to emotions of relating to quite complex and nuanced.  That’s why it’s important to distinguish between emotions and feelings.  Emotions can sometimes feel big and overwhelming.  Almost as if the emotions have us more than we have them.  Feeling overwhelmed by emotion often comes from little awareness and understanding of emotions and triggers for them.  As we gain more awareness and skill, we can be a person having our emotions rather than our emotions having us.  This increase in awareness and distance from the raw intensity of emotion combined with thoughts turns them into feelings.  Feelings are very important information.  They help us make decisions about what is right for us and what we need to stay away from and can lead us to conscious action and/or communication.  

 

When we are consumed with emotion, we often don’t have access to critical thinking or discernment that is available when we are feeling.  Sometimes we even act out of an emotion, such as yelling at someone (anger/fight) or distancing ourselves or avoiding something (fear/flight) or going numb (fear/freeze).  This usually happens with little consciousness or choice.  So we are acting out an emotion (doing) rather than feeling and communicating about a feeling which is usually more helpful.

 

The more consciousness we bring to ourselves, the more choice we have to understand and act appropriately.  And we can often increase the time between the stimulus that causes the emotion and the response (impulsively or consciously) to act in a more appropriate way.  Without awareness, we respond impulsively or emotionally, which might cause more harm than good.  

 

Here’s a chart I made to visualize the process I’m talking about.  

As you can see, doing, feeling, and thinking follows the evolution of the brain.  Reptiles do without awareness or feeling.  Mammals have the ability to feel and relate to others but may not have words and thoughts like humans. Humans have all of the above with the addition of complex language and cognitive abilities.  One function isn’t necessarily better than another; we need them all.  Thinking can help us make sense of and respond more effectively to our emotions and feelings.  But when used to excess without connection to feeling or emotion or action, thinking can also disconnect us from ourselves, our life, and others.  So thinking, too has to be used and responded to appropriately, just like emotions. We need doing, feeling, thinking, and being all accessible to us at the right time and place.  

 

Further, overthinking and rumination often lead to a stuckness of emotion or feeling, which leads to moods.  Moods are more generalized, pervasive emotional states that can last days, weeks, months, or even years.   Emotions come and go, just like the weather.  When we try not to feel them by suppressing or repressing them, they can get stuck and lead to moods.   Unpacking moods, like being depressed, can take time to really understand all the inputs from both present and past experiences as well as the unnamed unexplored feelings that comprise the mood. 

 

As I said, this is a quick overview of our emotional systems.  There is some more information in the links above.  There’s a bit more to it, and some of this is a broad generalization to help distinguish what is happening. Understanding these basics help tremendously to help you understand yourself and others.  People often think that our thoughts control our feelings; and they do to some extent. But our survival instincts and the basic raw emotions that evolved out of them can be much more powerful than our thoughts.  Just try to control your feelings with thoughts when you get dumped by a partner you really cared about, lose a job that you loved, get into a physical fight, or anything else that touches into our survival needs.  

 

The way I see it, our thoughts and feelings and actions are all in relationship to each other, all equally valid, no one mode is more important than the other.  The more you understand what is happening inside of you and outside of you and have awareness of what emotions and feelings are being experienced, the more you can engage your full self and your relationships to prevent things from spiraling out of control into overwhelm,  unconscious action, or a stuck stagnant mood.   

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

 

Relationships Matter: 6 Levels of Healthy Relational Safety and Depth

February 3, 2023
children, community, human experience, relationship

Relationships matter.  And to riff on the old adage, it’s not who you know; it’s how well you know them that counts.   Nothing happens outside the context of a relationship.  At the very least, we have (or had) parents, we have (or had) siblings or peers, we have coworkers or customers, and we have neighbors (even if we don’t know them).  It is in the context of these relationships that we give and receive things we need and learn about ourselves and our world.  And in our fast-paced technology connected world, it is hard to maintain relational depth.  

Even when I’m working with individuals who are not interested in working on their relationships, we have a relationship with ourselves.  How we talk to and how we feel about ourselves perhaps matters the most!  How well we know ourselves and how we relate to ourselves is the foundation of our ability to enjoy life and engage effectively with the world. 

One of the useful theories or lenses to use in talking about relationships is attachment.  In simple language, attachment is a way to describe how able we are and how safe it is to connect with another human.  Attachment begins at birth and changes throughout life.  If we are well supported and attuned to, it is easy for us to connect with others and easy for us to be alone.  If we hit roadblocks along the way, we can face various challenges in connecting with others.  This is most obviously seen in intimate relationships. However, peer relationships are also effective by our attachment styles.  This can impact everything from finding an intimate partner to having friends and social support, to parenting, to being successful in our career.  So if you have had struggles in any of those areas, read on to see where you might be able to heal and strengthen your relational abilities.

Attachment starts with a solid foundation, or solid roots, if you will.  With healthy, secure attachments, we can still stand tall in the strong winds and storms of life. And we can be at peace when the storms pass.  Without solid, healthy attachments, we get rocked, blown around, and are unable to rest and be at peace when there are no immediate challenges.  With unhealthy attachments, it is easy to turn to unstable comforts to feel better, like alcohol, drugs, unhealthy sexual behaviors, unhealthy people, screens – media, social media, video games, and more.  With a secure, stable attachment, we can use these things in healthy, appropriate ways and turn to ourselves or appropriate people for healthy connection and comfort.  

Attachment theory describes attachment as being either secure or insecure.  A secure attachment means the person is stable on their own AND can connect deeply with others to receive and give various forms of support or nourishment with appropriate levels of intimacy.  Insecure attachment can manifest as anxiety (anxious attachment style) if someone gets too close or too far, avoidance (avoidant attachment style) of getting close to someone, or a combination of anxious or avoidant (anxious-avoidant attachment style) feelings or behaviors.  

Dr. Gordon Neufeld has gone further to describe six levels of attachment that happen during our key developmental years.  These six drives can also demonstrate themselves in adulthood when we look at the types of relationships we have and how we connect or avoid our adult relationships.  Each of these six levels builds on the one before.  That is, if we are underdeveloped at one level, it is harder to move on and have healthy relationships at the later levels.

The six levels are:

Drive to be with – Attachment to physical proximity.  Being close to an individual. This is the most basic.  Being with someone in their physical presence.  Teenagers often like to hang out even if they are not doing anything in particular.  It is comforting to just be with someone and be able to see, smell, hear, and touch them.  This reassures us of our physical safety.  We need a home base, touchstone, and resting place, which serves as a compass point to navigate the greater world.   When this physical attachment is suitable, we can feel safe in the middle of chaos.  If not, we become armored and cannot be physically close, hug, or touch others.  

Drive to be like – Attachment to the identity/personality of an individual.  Once we feel safe enough in our body, the next level is the desire to be like or the same as someone we like or respect. As part of our identity formation, we emulate, identify with, imitate, and model after them learning behaviors, our core identity, preferences, dislikes, and social norms to fit into society.  We do this with our parents at an early age and friends or partners later on.  This serves to enable us to feel close while apart because we are acting like and remembering them (even if not consciously).  

Drive to be part of – Attachment to belonging and standing with a group.  Once we are secure enough in our individual identity, we want to belong to a bigger group.  Whether that is a nuclear family, extended family, class, school, sports team, peer group, political affiliation, national affiliation, ethnic affiliation, religion, profession, or any group of “like” people.  To feel like there are lots of people like us and on our side helps us feel secure and that we belong to something greater.  It creates a feeling of loyalty and the desire to serve, obey, or even defer to the will of the group.  

Drive to matter – Attachment to being valued by a group.  Once we feel connected to and part of a bigger group of people (or more than one), we need to feel like we are important to and worthy of care, respect, love, or esteem.   This is the drive for greater success and achievement.  Perhaps it is this drive that video games are tapping into for some, but often is incomplete, and people keep playing at excessive levels because it has to be had in personal relationships, not just with a score or standings board on a screen.  We all need unconditional positive regard – that is feeling that people value us no matter what we do or what we are.  When we feel this way, this frees people from a lifelong search for value, always trying to prove their worth which can then opens the person to further levels of intimacy and fullest potential rather than just trying to be important.  Without this value, people endlessly chase value externally through achievement, peer recognition, consumerism, unnecessary degrees, and more.

Drive for love – Attachment to being loved and emotionally intimate in our full authentic self.  Once we know that we belong, we are important, and we matter no matter what we do or how we are, we are available for true intimacy or “attaching at the heart.”  Again each of the previous stages has to have at least some level of health or intimacy can be superficial or motivated by seeking simple physical closeness (like just living together or having disconnected sex), identity, belonging, or value importance.  It is possible to have some intimacy without, but true intimacy with be limited by our needs to feel those prior levels.  This level of attachment requires a secure sense of self, identity, belonging, value, and the ability to be present with limbic attunement to the other. To be open and receptive to another and able to feel (all) emotions, give and share heart enables this level of attachment. The risk of course is that this opens us up to big vulnerability.  With healthy attachment, we can feel safest in long-term relationships (family or committed relationships).  But without healthy attachment, we have the paradoxical effect that the longer the relationship, the more threatening vulnerability becomes.  

Some studies are suggesting early digital intimacy undermines this need for this emotional intimacy.  In a long-term relationship, healthy attachment at all these levels of attachment enables us to weather storms of disagreement and difficulty and stay attuned, committed, and attached to work through problems rather than separating or avoiding.  Knowing we are connected and attached at this level helps people remain caring and open toward someone despite periods of distance and separation due to hardship or travel. It can set the stage for deeper levels of psychological and sexual intimacy that are not possible when there are missing pieces in any of the lower levels.  Knowing we are securely attached in this way we can be shielded from wounding from the world, less reactive to hurts from our partner, and able to keep a soft open heart in face of wounding and stresses of the world.  Without this, we blame, attack, withdraw, close off, and seek to control, change or manipulate to keep ourselves safe.  I think this is essential for full psychological development and maturity, especially with the state of the world today.

Drive for psychological intimacy – be fully known to – Attachment to our full authentic whole self.  At this level, we are secure and have no secrets that divide us from ourselves especially, but also with a few select others. We can be fully honest with ourselves about our most hidden shameful thoughts, feelings, desires, or experiences, and we are able to share secrets with appropriate, trustworthy others, and we are not shamed for those secrets.  This is important for children when considering the previous states of attachment needs and the need for connection with a parent. What your parents don’t know about what you did won’t get you in trouble, but those secrets cause a divide and distance, making love and acceptance inaccessible.  Even if parents could love and accept the transgression, the personal feeling that it must be kept secret causes a psychological separation that takes a toll. This level of secure attachment makes known what you normally keep hidden, allowing greater ability to accept yourself and others. This is different than just knowing about (indirect/impersonal) or being exposed to it secondhand or intellectually.  We must be the ones that shares the thing we fear to share.  With an intimate partner, we have to be the one to physically or metaphorically take our clothes off, be seen and witnessed, and have the experience of still being loved despite the secret.  This happens after one has shared from their heart and has the ability to reflect on one’s own thoughts and feelings and behaviors.  We all need to be seen fully.  Social media and  capitalizes on this need, but ineffectively because it is impersonal incomplete and does not address the need for physical presence, attunement, mirroring, validation, touch, and seeing the person’s care and acceptance. 

So much more could be said about this as it is an in-depth and complicated topic.  Simply knowing this is only the first step to repairing and living from these six levels of attachment and relational depth. But I wanted to at least sketch this outline as I’ve found it helpful for many of my clients in identifying and understanding relationship challenges.  Being able to have a healthy attachment at these six levels builds strong roots to weather the stresses and storms of life.  And our attachment strengths and weaknesses don’t just show up in our relationships with others, these factors all show up in our relationship with ourselves! 

It’s hard to thrive in the world without a solid foundation, and without deep roots, we get blown over easily.  I also believe that being able to have a solid foundation through these deeply rooted levels of relationship helps us to create togetherness and relationships that can be healthy and solid despite differences, which is essential to resolve the extreme polarization that we’re experiencing in our world manifesting as us-them divisions, increased racism and  nationalism, gender and culture wars, or further separations in our relational and community lives.  When we have solid attachments as described above, we can have a solid sense of self, to become our own person, belonging in the community, aware and nurtured by the ways we are the same, celebrating the ways we are different, and can talk about any and all of it honestly and vulnerably without it devolving into a battle and more separation.  We can be different and still securely attached, connected, and rooted rather than blown away in the storms of our inner world or our outer life. 

For more information:

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

New Podcast: My Life is the Medicine

My Life is the Medicine is a new podcast hosted by Chuck Hancock.  Chuck sits down to have conversations with people to look at how life has provided numerous lessons and initiations already that we sometimes overlook. Instead, we get lost seeking new, bigger, or better experiences.  

In the age of abundant experts and gurus, we take the subversive stance that you are actually the only expert you need for your own life. By looking closer at your own life experiences – both the ones that felt good and the array of challenges you had, you can harvest all the wisdom and medicine you need to guide your unique life and offer your unique gifts and wisdom to the world.  We have conversations with ordinary people to look closer at how everyday experiences of living life have shaped us and taught us profound lessons.  Often we don’t think much of our choices and experiences, but in reality, they all have a profound meaning.  Instead of just moving from one thing to the next, we can slow down and pause to integrate the initiations that life has already provided, to become even more whole, balanced, and able to bring the medicine of our life, the medicine we’ve already been given, into the world.  

Found on most major podcast players including Spotify, Apple, and Google.  You can find links to these and other players on the podcast page here: https://mylifeisthemedicine.buzzsprout.com/

Or listen directly below:

Tending the Waters of Psyche and Soul

August 25, 2021
, , , , anger, depression, embodied, experiential, group, human, human experience, humanness, mindfulness, nature, personal growth, therapy

A Depth Psychology Growth Group Bridging Inner Life and Outer Life Adventures

Some Definitions of Soul

  • an active or essential part
  • the part of the human being that thinks, feels, and makes the body act
  • the quality that arouses emotion and sentiment
  • energy or power of mind or feelings; spirit; fervor
  • the cause of inspiration or energy; leading spirit; prime mover
  • spiritual or moral force 
  • the embodiment of some quality; personification
  • the spirit of a dead person
  • the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life
  • a person’s total self

You may or may not believe you have a soul. That is not a prerequisite for this group. If you have a desire to deepen your connection with, relationship to, and grow the health of any of the above descriptions, this group is for you. This group is a space to learn about and work with your psyche, personal psychology developed by your experiences and narrative about those experiences, interpersonal relationships (how you show up with others), and the transpersonal (anything bigger than and beyond yourself).

Join us in community for depth healing utilizing the map and mirrors of depth somatic experiential psychology. This group will bridge the world of our ordinary waking life roles and structures with that of our inner world. This is not a group about fixing you, teaching you skills, or requiring you to be “better” – rather it is a group where all of you, in your brilliance and in your struggle with shadow, is welcome. It is a group that is led by psyche, soul, and spirit informed by your life and experience facilitated by a trained guide (not a teacher).

In this group, you bring the topics – based on what is alive in you.  What is challenging you? What is inspiring you? What is showing up in your world that feels impactful or meaningful? Whether that aliveness is a dream you had, a poem or song that moved you, a meditation practice that taught you, a social media post that triggered you or brightened your day, grief that brought you to your knees, a stuck-ness so tight it paralyzes you or a movement that opened or freed you, this group is a space to bring more life and soul into your world in a community of fellow practitioners.

 

Who is this group for?

In the group process, there are many “problems” or pain points that can lead someone to join.  It could be anxiety in general, or about the state of the world and its political, social, economic, and health issues.  It could be that you are feeling depressed, stuck, stagnant, alone, misunderstood, or constantly sad.  You may have a hard time knowing your place in this ever changing world.  This group starts with the philosophy that we are all human, and we are all in this together.  And through working through our individual “problems” together, we help each other. And perhaps even see that they are not problems, but invitations to grow. This group is for people willing to engage in their own healing by giving and receiving support, and opening to wisdom and support of a variety of modalities that connect you with your heart, mind, body, and soul.

We aim toward self leadership and self actualization.  How do we do that?

We are all struggling to know and become the fullest version of our “real,” true, unique selves. We create a space to learn more about ourselves and experience new aspects of ourselves through content, process, and interpersonal relationships with other group members.

We recognize we have the tendency to deny our own needs and feelings. To pretend to be someone we aren’t or to avoid facing our true self inhibits growth. In this group, we take responsibility for owning our needs and feelings and expressing unexpressed thoughts, so the facilitator and other group members co-create the space to meet those new places in yourself and possibly have your needs and feelings met in an embodied way.

We believe each individual is endowed with the urge to expand, develop, mature, and reach self-actualization. We believe that true growth and healing come from within, and this group is designed to help facilitate that process. 

Even in the best of times, it is easy to fall into despair – by not living the life that is yours to live or by feeling disconnected from the greater story of life and your place in the order of things. In these times of chaos and uncertainty, this group will help you reconnect to the life that is yours to live and reconnect you with the bigger picture and meaning to provide fuel and inspiration for the challenges we face.

Logistics

Ongoing. Weekly. Thursdays 11:30-1:00. In person with a zoom in option for health or travel.

Open to all genders age 25+.

8-week minimum commitment to allow for relationships and group containers to form.  Stay as long as the group is beneficial to you.

Financial Investment $30-$60 per group sliding scale.

About the facilitator: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is passionate about group work being an important part of our growth and healing journey.  With over a decade of experience guiding individual and group processes in council, dreamwork, interpersonal process groups, psychodrama, meditation, Hakomi somatic psychotherapy, ego state (parts) work, Jungian psychology, movement, music, and nature based practices. He weaves all of these practices together to help clients locate themselves in the world co-creating new experiences of authenticity, depth, meaning, insight, and inspiration.  With the diversity of members, modalities, and lineages the community formed in a group experience offers more possibility and amplification of the growth process.  

 

 

To register for more information to decide if this group is right for you, email [email protected] or call 970.829.0478.

 

 

 

 

 

“The guest is inside you, and also inside me;

you know the sprout is hidden inside the seed.

We are all struggling; none of us has gone far.

Let your arrogance go, and look around inside.

The blue sky opens out farther and farther,

the daily sense of failure goes away,

the damage I have done to myself fades,

a million suns come forward with light,

when I sit firmly in that world.

I hear bells ringing that no one has shaken,

inside “love” there is more joy than we know of,

rain pours down, although the sky is clear of clouds,

there are whole rivers of light.

The universe is shot through in all parts by a single sort of love.

How hard it is to feel that joy in all our four bodies!

Those who hope to be reasonable about it fail.

The arrogance of reason has separated us from that love.

With the word “reason” you already feel miles away.”

~Kabir

What Brings True Peace? Coping vs Thriving in a Chaotic World

March 3, 2021
coping skills, human, personal growth, self awareness, self care

Thankfully, there is no shortage of advice available on how to reduce stress and have more peace.  In our (over) information age, practically any mainstream media, social media and all the flavors of helpers have made clear the benefits of mindfulness, yoga, exercise, and ….

Yet for some reason, people are still struggling, in some ways more than ever!  Why is that?


Yes, you could point to the pandemic along with social and political upheaval, however if we are really honest, you’ll see these problems existed long before 2020.  In the Interpersonal Process Men’s group I run, whenever someone would start to blame the pandemic and social isolation, I would ask, “So which of these problems that you are struggling with the most are new since the start of the pandemic?”  The answer was always none of them.

When I get new clients that have been aware of all the advice of the media, the beginning sessions sometimes sound like, “I know I just need to meditate more or exercise more or talk to my partner about it and it will all be fine.”  That’s not wrong, but it ignores the fact that something is keeping them from actually doing it, and worse it can be turned into a “should weapon.”  That is “I should do this, I know this, what is wrong with me for not.”

Further, all of these skills fall into the category of “coping skills.”  These are things that you can do to either immediately or proactively reduce stress and live a more healthy life.  They don’t, however, actually change any of the deeper patterns that create high levels of stress in the first place.  I’ve worked with many highly educated, top of their field type people who have very disciplined self care and meditation practices  yet are still struggling and suffering deeply.  The higher you climb and the higher the stress, the more coping skills become a bandaid, not a cure.

Side note: if you don’t have effective coping skills, you definitely need them.  See this article for some of my favorites.

So what brings true peace then?  In my experience, it is knowing yourself deeply – which includes knowing your human ego and what influences it as well as knowing your soul and being in harmony within yourself.  This means disarming the critical voices and being able to love and see the value of all parts of us. Once we know these things, we can then live in better balance and alignment with our values and purpose.  This does not mean retreating from society, changing careers, having a better education or better paying job.  Rather, it means you know how to engage fully with life effectively coming from a place of knowing and trusting in yourself.

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

― Albert Camus

Fully knowing yourself and coming to a fuller consciousness happens through living life, and through honest self reflection and self appraisal which can happen only in context of relationship with other.  If we do it alone, we stay stuck because we can’t see our blind spots.  Meditation and mindfulness is a great start and an essential tool.  But it doesn’t fully illuminate all parts of ourselves like being in a therapeutic relationship with a trusted mentor guide, therapist, or friend.

So, don’t just settle for coping while adding more and more self-care to your busy schedule, especially if you then don’t get it done and beat yourself up about it.  Healthy coping and self care routines are a great start and necessary foundation, but eventually you’ll need to get off the treadmill and carve out the time to truly know yourself in your shadow and in your brilliance.  And then you will be free to thrive in the world, no matter what challenges are thrown at you.  



Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

5 Foundational Tools and 200 Coping Skills Everyone Should Have for a Balanced Life

February 24, 2021
anger, anxiety, exercise, feelings, goals, growth, meditation, mindfulness, personal growth, priorities, relaxation, self esteem, shame, stress, stress reduction, therapy

Here are the 5 Foundational Tools and 200+ Coping Skills Everyone Should Have to be able to self-regulate

Our mental and emotional stress ebbs and flows throughout life as our schedules, routines, and work tasks change.  Because of this, I highly recommend that we all do a daily check in – two or three times per day even with our current mental, emotional, physical, and stress levels.  The human body can only handle so much, and our mental, emotional, physical, and relational stress all take a significant toll on our nervous system.  

It doesn’t have to take too much time, a simple traffic light works great: 

  • Green – I’m good, great even perhaps!  Keep going (if you want to)!
  • Yellow – I need to be careful, use caution, pay close attention, consider slowing down.
  • Red – Stop right now or harm will come.  

Or if you are more numbers focused, a 0-10 scale also works great where 0 represents calm and relaxed and 9-10 signifies stop right now, I can’t take anymore. 

So once you start monitoring your nervous system and recognize that you need to reduce stress, what do you do?  There are 5 foundational tools all supported by research that are very effective in reducing stress as well as difficult moods like anxiety and depression.  Having these tools in your back pocket are great when you need to reduce your stress levels or even better, build into healthy life routines to maintain a sustainable pace as much as possible.

Mindfulness – Find several flavors of mindfulness exercises that work for you.  See my resources section, YouTube, or apps like Insight Timer, Calm, or Headspace have many guided practices.  Some key practices are focusing meditation (on your breath, music, candle, object in nature, etc), listening to relaxing music or binaural beats, body scan meditation, walking meditation, and loving kindness meditation. My personal favorite is walking in nature paying attention to your 5 senses.

Exercise – Any exercise will do – walking, running, bodyweight fitness, calisthenics, weight lifting, stretching, yoga, martial arts, sports.  Get your body moving and heart rate up with activities that are appropriate for your body and skill level.  Even doing pushups, jumping jacks, burpees, until you can’t do any more for 5 minutes makes a difference!  You don’t have to commit to a full training program!

Nature – So much has been written on the benefits of nature.  See here for a brief introduction.  Go outside and use your 5 senses (hear, smell, sight, touch, taste – well, be careful what you taste outside).  It can be just outside your home, your closest park, a patch of grass, your closest favorite trail, or a wilderness destination.  Just get outside!

Communication – Communication helps you get beyond yourself to connect with other people, nature, pets, or the transpersonal (spiritual) realms.This is a big topic, but for now, know that being able to effectively communicate to connect with others beyond yourself so you can express yourself creatively and effectively is another essential skill.  There are many effective communication skills and strategies that you can learn, and there are many blocks to communication that can happen in yourself or with others.  Taking time to develop the ability to communicate your wants, needs, ideas, requests, and feelings is essential for a healthy balanced life.  Which leads to:

Emotional Intelligence – The definition of an emotion in the Psychology 101 textbook I used to teach from is that it is a subjective physiological experience.  That is, your feelings are yours, and they happen in your body.  The foundation for knowing yourself, effectively communicating with others, and managing your stress is emotional intelligence.  Some people say that our thoughts control our feelings, which has some truth, but really our emotions are often way more powerful than our thoughts.  Our minds create stories to make sense of our feelings at least as much as our thoughts create our feelings.  Knowing what you are feeling, to what degree, and being able to be honest with yourself and the right others is an essential skill for being human.  Research shows that no matter what culture, education level, or level of industrialization of your community, all humans feel the same 5 basic emotions:

Mad (also known as frustrated, annoyed, etc)

Sad (also known as down, blue, moody, etc)

Glad (also known as happy, joyful, content, peaceful, etc)

Fear (also known as anxious, nervous, tense, etc)

Shame/Guilt (pretty self explanatory, but helpful to distinguish between Guilt – a healthy emotion of I did something wrong and feel bad about, and Shame – I am bad)

Being able to identify our basic feelings is a foundational step to a healthy balanced life, understanding yourself, and relating to others. I invite you to add onto the traffic light or 0-10 scale exercise above by naming the feeling that goes with it and where it is happening in your body.

When the above 5 Foundational Tools are well developed, it will go a long way to help you manage your life more effectively and live with greater wellness and health.  Getting skilled at using these tools takes time and practice.  Our team of therapists can help you learn and refine these skills.  Further, when you need a break because the stress is just too high (you are at a “red light”) and none of these foundational tools are working, it’s time for something more basic.  That’s when the coping skills below come in handy.  Use the ones that seem helpful to you, ignore the rest.  Everyone is different and likes different things.

So there you have it – 5 Foundational Tools to develop and 200 coping skills to help you live a healthy well balanced life.  If you get good at all of this, are living life effectively and are content, then give yourself a big congratulations!  That is something!  For many of us though, these skills are just the tools that make deeper exploration possible.  It’s difficult to do deeper therapy without these skills, but these skills are not the end of the road.  Once you are ready to understand the bigger picture patterns that create unneeded stress and keep you repeating the old patterns, you know it is time to seek an Inner Life Guide – a therapist skilled at depth work.  That is our specialty!


So, reach out when you are ready.  Whether you are at the beginning of the trail, haven’t yet left your home, or are deep in the wilderness, we’ll meet you where you are and guide you to greater health and wellness!

Big List of 200+ Coping Skills

Cognitive

  • Self-monitoring
    • Identify your stress level 
    • Identify your emotions
    • Identify how this shows up in your body
  • Cognitive restructuring
    • Challenging the truth/assumptions of your thoughts
    • Refram with positive self-talk/reassurance
    • Say something kind to yourself
    • Say “I can do this”
    • Make a list of positive affirmations
    • List your positive qualities/strengths (and refer to it often)
    • Compliment yourself
    • Act opposite of negative feelings you’re experiencing
    • List things you are proud of
    • Make a gratitude list
    • Keep a daily positive experiences journal
    • Start a notebook with different inspirational and meaningful quotes
    • Make a “forget it” list
  • Setting and managing goals
  • Decision making pros and cons
  • Brainstorm solutions to a problem you are facing
  • Keep an inspirational quote with you
  • Read a magazine
  • Write a thank you note
  • Take pictures
  • Write a list
  • Schedule time for yourself
  • Write a story
  • Blog
  • Count to 100, then do it backwards
  • Do a crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • Play a word game on your phone/computer
  • Plan a trip
  • Write down your thoughts
  • Identify a positive thought
  • Make your day’s schedule
  • Make a to-do list
  • Write 
  • Journal
  • Plan a dream vacation
  • Research a topic of interest
  • Start your memoir
  • Start a blog
  • Research your family tree
  • Look at pictures you’ve taken
  • Start a dream journal
  • Do a puzzle
  • Write a short story or poem – refrain from self judgement or critique – give yourself permission for it to be really bad if necessary
  • Count backwards from 500
  • Think of 3 foods for every letter of the alphabet
  • Play a video game
  • Visualize a stop sign
  • Notice and name 5 things you can see, hear, and touch.
  • Color a mandala or a page from an adult coloring book
  • Practice playing an instrument

Emotional

  • Cry
  • Watch a funny video
  • Name your feelings
  • Name the triggers to your feelings
  • Watch a sad movie/video
  • Laugh
  • Scream into a pillow
  • Smile in the mirror
  • Move anger through movement, slamming pillows, or throwing or breaking rocks
  • Find a way to amplify your feelings to catharsis
  • Feel fear, remind yourself you are safe (if you really are safe)
  • Make a list of things you are grateful for.  Feel the feeling of gratitude.  What does it feel like?
  • Tell someone you love them
  • Tell yourself you love and care about yourself

Somatic (physical)

  • Deep breaths – 10, then 10 more if needed
  • Progressive muscle relaxation – systematically tense and relax all your muscles
  • Do a positive activity
  • Play sports
  • Stretch
  • Take a walk
  • Practice yoga
  • Give yourself or someone else a massage
  • Ask for a massage
  • Go for a bike ride
  • Play with clay
  • Crawl and roll around on the floor
  • Visualize your favorite place
  • Listen to music
  • Eat a healthy snack
  • Jog in place
  • Do pushups, squats, jumping jacks, or anything to exhaustion
  • Hum your favorite song
  • Clean something
  • Use a stress ball
  • Dance
  • Sexual self pleasure
  • Build something
  • Play with clay
  • Rip paper into pieces
  • Chew gum
  • Paint your nails
  • Garden
  • Paint
  • Drink some tea and pay attention to the temperature, flavors, and smells
  • Pet an animal
  • Organize something
  • Listen to nature sounds
  • Take a bath/shower
  • Use aromatherapy
  • Put on a face mask
  • Sing
  • Go for a drive
  • Watch television
  • Go shopping
  • Blow bubbles
  • Squeeze or suck on an ice cube
  • Sit in the sun and close your eyes
  • Throw rocks into the woods
  • Suck on a peppermint
  • Do the dishes
  • Make (and listen to) an upbeat playlist
  • Move your body to music
  • Scream into a pillow
  • Swim
  • Use nicely scented lotion
  • Get a massage
  • Play hacky sack
  • Stargaze
  • Give yourself a facial
  • Play a video game
  • Watch sports
  • Wear soft/comfortable clothes

Transpersonal/spiritual

  • Pray
  • Meditate
  • Attend a church service, group meditation, or yoga class
  • Listen to a recorded inspirational or spiritual talk
  • Get out in nature and talk to a natural object, plant, or animal
  • Do self generated ritual or ceremony
  • Talk with your deceased loved ones or ancestors

Behavioral and Social/relational

  • Behavioral activation
    • Complete something you have been putting off
    • Try a new recipe
    • Create a vision board
    • Make a bucket list
    • Call or write your senator to discuss an issue that’s important to you
    • Learn a new skill
      • Learn how to play an instrument
      • Learn how to read sheet music
      • Learn how to code
      • Learn 10 new words
      • Learn photography
      • Study and learn a foreign language
      • Take a class
    • Slow down, breath as you are doing things
  • Research something you’re interested in or would like to learn more about
  • Get enough sleep – keep a sleep log if sleep is a challenge
  • Take a nap
  • Volunteer
  • Go to library
  • Go for a picnic
  • Watch a movie
  • Draw/doodle/color
  • Ask yourself “What do I need right now?”
  • Play a game
  • Ask for and take a break
  • Enjoy a hobby
  • Shoot hoops
  • Shoot a bow and arrow
  • Dake a day for self care
  • Play an instrument
  • Reward or pamper yourself
  • Create art
  • Go for a relaxing drive out of town
  • Destroy something (that you can afford to lose)
  • Sew, knit, crochet
  • Make a collage of your favorite things
  • Work on the car
  • Cook or bake
  • Paint a room
  • Make a gift for someone.  Give it to them.
  • Give a small gift to a random person
  • Restore furniture
  • Play with a pet
  • Listen to music with a friend
  • Feed ducks/birds
  • Visit an animal shelter
  • Make your bed
  • Clean your room, kitchen, or whole house
  • Clean out your car
  • Turn on all of the lights
  • Fly a kite
  • Join a book club
  • Talk to a friend
  • Give someone a hug
  • Tell someone you are thankful for them
  • Express your feelings to someone
  • Smile at others
  • Meet a friend at a park, home, coffee shop, or restaurant
  • Get dressed up in a nice outfit
  • Put on makeup – fun, funky, creative or fancy and beautiful – your choice
  • Schedule an appointment for therapy

Tying it all together with practice accepting the things you cannot change,

Cultivating the courage to change the things you can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Podcast Interview on the Life Coach Path

October 2, 2020
Uncategorized

Chuck was interviewed this week on the Life Coach Path on the differences between counseling and coaching and experiences with nature based coaching. Give it a listen!

Coach’s Circle #69: Chuck Hancock

The Coach’s Circle Podcast is presented by Life Coach Path, an online educational resource for anyone interested in making a career in coaching or would like to incorporate coaching strategies and techniques in their work helping others. You can read their latest blog post here.

A Tale of Two Businesses – Counseling vs Coaching

July 17, 2020
goals, growth, nature, Uncategorized

We are continuing to Grow and Offer More Ways to Explore, Heal, and Connect!

In 2020, Inner Life Adventures turns 10 years old!  The past 10 years of serving Northern Colorado – Fort Collins, Loveland, Greeley, Cheyenne, and Laramie has been an amazing experience.  Hearing so many stories of challenges and growth has shaped me tremendously. I want to thank you for your support in the last decade.

In the book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell suggests that reaching the 10,000-Hour Rule, which he considers the key to success in any field, is simply a matter of practicing a specific task that can be accomplished with 20 hours of work a week for 10 years.  I’d argue it also takes self reflection, improving the process, learning new ideas, and getting coaching or guidence.  Either way, I’ve learned so much from the experience of serving our community.  Knowledge combined with experience is really what creates mastery.

Never content to stay stagnant, in the last decade I’ve continued to train and learn the most cutting edge modalities, as well as some of the oldest and most ancient that modern day has forgotten.  In order to offer more non-traditional approaches, I have formed a separate company that offers nature based programs, including retreats, workshops, rites of passage, and connected coaching.  This new business is named “Reconnecting to Our Nature.”

Inner Life Adventures will continue as it has, offering mindfulness based somatic counseling psychotherapy.  In fact, Inner Life Adventures is growing in 2020 hiring clinicians in line with our mission and values.  We’ll be offering more couples and family sessions to help with your relationships and child behaviors.  We’ll also be increasing availability so you won’t have to wait weeks or months to get in.  I apologize to those who have wanted to get in that I have not had the time for.  Hopefully this change will make these services more available to you.

Reconnecting to Our Nature will be growing alongside Inner Life Adventures offering more coaching, retreat, and workshops to help you find your own path to growth and healing.  Reconnecting to Our Nature is informed by my training and experience with the nature connected work of School of Lost Borders, 8 Shields, Jungian Psychology, and the initiations, Rites of Passage (such as vision quest), Ritual, and council I’ve experienced through training and apprenticing with men’s organizations and various idiginous elders.  Guiding you to become the leader of your own life. 

What’s the difference between coaching, counseling, and psychotherapy?

The truth is, the lines are blurry.  There’s a lot of overlap with things that both good coaches and therapists do.  That’s why there are so many providers out there and a million different answers.  One of the biggest differences is the depth of background and experience.  Having a deep background and experience matters because that is the source of intuition and creativity for those situations that don’t fit the standard patterns, tools, or templates you can find online.  More specifically, here’s what we think and why we created a separate business for coaching and programs.

Counseling and psychotherapy is a regulated profession with specific laws about record keeping, relationship boundaries, scope of practice, confidentiality, etc.  Coaching is not regulated, though there are becoming more certifications and professional organizations seeking to standardize and create ethics to keep clients safer.  Those are guidelines and not laws.  There of course are pro’s and con’s to both approaches.  There are many amazing coaches out there, and also many that don’t have the experience or training to really be effective long term.  One of the benefits of counselors is you know they have standard training and are bound by the same laws and ethics to get and maintain a license.  

One of the drawbacks to a licensed counselor is the pressure from insurance companies and licensing boards on only using evidence based practices such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). This is especially true if you are utilizing managed care (insurance) who can dictate how many sessions, what diagnosis, and audit your records to ensure the therapist is adhering to their idea of what your care should look like. These approaches work for some people in some situations, but newer research shows the long term effect of CBT is not as strong.  It’s a great start, but we are more interested in going deeper to address the core patterns for lasting long term change, not just short term gains that are lost again.  

Further, when people try counseling and the first attempt doesn’t work, they blame the counselor or worse blame themselves for not being a good enough client, rather than expand the picture to see what is really happening and what else could be effective.  That is where your provider having a broader background and skill set can be more effective.  Some of the newer modalities or older nature based modalities don’t have the evidence base as the standard fare, but for the right client can be effective.  Our approach is finding the right path for you, not forcing you to the path that research showed worked for a lot of other people.  It may work for you, it may not.    Utilizing a coach with broad experience and a variety of skills and tools to use with you can help you find the right path for you quicker rather than forcing you into the traditional models.

That said, for some people the structure of predictable weekly hour long sessions, being able to pay less by using insurance, and staying grounded with tried and true practices that have lots of evidence base is exactly what is needed.  That is why we are continuing to offer therapy in a professional office setting by licensed professionals.  And for those that would rather explore in a more open way with an experienced guide, coaching and nature based work is an option as well.  In either approach, it is up to you to decide which path(s) you are wanting and willing to go down.  We have the skills and ability to guide you in many different directions.  We won’t force you into the direction traveled by most everyone else when something else is calling to you.  Together we’ll help you find your unique way, wherever that may lead.

In town or in nature – we’ll meet you there

In short, Inner Life Adventures counseling and psychotherapy when what you need is the safety, stability, and structure of professional counseling, in an office, in town.  Reconnecting to Our Nature nature based coaching when you are ready to venture off the well worn trails, with a trained and experienced guide, into the wilderness and to learn better how to guide your own life. You don’t know what you will get with any given coach or counselor, but hopefully this guide has given you a few things to think about in making your choice with us, or whatever provider you choose if we are not right for you.

SAFE – Working with our Emotions with Compassion for Ourselves and Others

April 6, 2020
anger, anxiety, change, depression, embodied, exercise, feelings, loneliness, stress

‘‘When we don’t feel safe, our brains fall into a fear mindset and don’t allow for our natural states of joy, calm and happiness to arise.’’

SAFE is a simple acronym for a practice you can use to ignite the natural anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine of self-compassion. In this time of uncertainty, there are lots of things being felt. To make it through, we have to be able to work with our emotions in a healthy way, not ignore them or “just think positively.”  It might work for a short time, but eventually you’ll run out of energy to keep supressing other feelings and welcoming only positive ones. When you are feeling something you don’t want to be feeling, try this practice.

S – Soften into the feeling. This implies a type of gentle recognition of the feeling or sensation in your body. Focus your awareness toward it softly.  If you can, maybe even naming it. “Breathing in, opening to the sadness/fear/vulnerability that is there, breathing out, softening into it.”  But if you can’t name it easily, don’t get hung up on it.  Sometimes it is even better to not, as words and labels may make us jump to assumptions about it.  But do make sure it is a feeling or sensation in your body, not a belief or narrative about something.

A – Allow it to be as it is, without resisting, trying to change it, or clinging to it.  For as long as needed, but aim for at least a few minutes.  Most likely not more than a few days.  If it lasts more than a few days or weeks, some outside help or support may be needed.

F – Feel into the emotion that is there even more with a kind attention and compassion for it. In doing this we can also drop in questions to connect our mind with our feelings:  “What is it trying to tell me?”  “What is it’s message for me right now?“ “What does this feeling believe?”” or “What do I need right now?” When we discover this we might give that to ourselves. For example, if we sense that we need to feel loved and to feel safe, we might say, “May I feel loved, May I feel safe, etc…”  We may need rest, connection, care, food, movement, etc.  I’d encourage you to keep your gift related to your inner process, rather than feeling like you need to take external action, especially to change or avoid the feeling.

E – Expand awareness of all people who also experience this feeling.  Remind yourself that while your situation may feel unique to you, the feeling you are experiencing is also experienced by virtually every human on this planet.  This feeling, this vulnerability of sadness, fear, anger, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, resistance, or any difficult experience is a universal human experience. This is a core component of self-compassion. Here is where we understand that we are not alone and that in this very moment there are thousands if not millions of people who are experiencing this very same feeling. The “E” of SAFE is where we inspire connection with the rest of humanity. In this practice we can also take what we learned from the “F” of SAFE and send it outward to specific people you know that also experience this or to humanity in general saying, “May we all feel loved, May we all feel safe, etc… Some people find it helpful to do this with a hand on their heart, stomach or both.

If you have trouble focusing on your inner experience in this way, it may be helpful to first ground yourself with input from your 5 senses.  Paying attention to information first from the outside world of what you can hear, see, smell, touch/feel, and taste.  Ask yourself, am I really SAFE in this moment?  Is there an immediate threat?  Most likely, there is not anything that has to happen this exact moment.  Then allow yourself to come back to the SAFE exercise.

SAFE Acronym by Elisha Goldstein, PhD, explanations and expansion provided by Chuck Hancock, LPC, EMDR II of Inner Life Adventures 

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