Most of us have a conflicted and misinformed relationship with anger. On one hand, some people think it anger is bad and do everything
Photo By: Lara Schneider
possible to stay well away from it to never risk feeling that way and when it does slip out, they feel guilty for being angry. Or for other people it is the go-to emotion. Anger is the only reaction that is possible and it gets overused with the wrong people at the wrong times. Obviously, as with most extremes, neither reaction to anger is healthy.
Anger is a natural and helpful emotion that says, “something is happening I am really not okay with” or “something is not happening that I really need.” Anger is our system’s response that says this is so important, I’m going to do whatever it takes including getting bigger, louder, faster, stronger, and more powerful to make it happen. Obviously, without this reaction, we can get taken advantage of, resulting in even more hurt. So it is important to never cut ourselves off from our anger. But it is also helpful to learn how to be angry in a helpful and productive way to avoid doing damage to those we care about.
Here are a few tips for having productive anger:
1) Slow down. When we get angry, our nervous system is aroused. Its the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response. But we can and need to consciously control this. Name for yourself (and others) that you notice yourself getting activated. Take slow deep breaths. Take a time out. Go for a walk or run outside. Avoid acting from our anger.
2) Identify what is happening that is really not OK or what you really need that is not happening in the situation. See if there is another emotion under the anger. Write down these needs and/or feelings for yourself or share it with a trusted friend. Eventually, in a calm state, you will want to share this with the source of your anger.
3) Take responsibility. Do not blame the other person. Acknowledge the specific actions that led to your anger and own your reactions and emotions.
4) Make a request for things to be different. Now knowing what you need, you can now find a way to creatively, rationally, and collaboratively get closer to what you are hoping will happen.
Practicing these things help bring us in closer relationship with ourselves and others. Always acting from anger or avoiding it ultimately cuts us off and distances us from ourselves and others leading to resentment or hurt feelings. Of course, it’s not easy, but it’s a worthwhile practice. Good luck! Let me know how it goes.
~chuck
What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected]. Want to meet? Here’s how.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
Want more? Check out The Right Way to Get Angry by the Greater Good Science Center at University of California Berkeley. With bonus video on how to stay calm during a fight in your relationships.